Castaway
by Eh Bien
Summary: After Edward leaves Bella, her melancholy convinces her parents to seek medical help for her. This leads the New Moon story in a slightly different direction. A minimalist New Moon: no Volterra, no werewolves, virtually no Jacob, little drama. AU, Canon.
1. Home For The Holidays

**...October...**

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><p><strong>...November...<strong>

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><p><strong>Decem...<strong>"_Bella!_" Charlie's voice, unusually loud and sharp, broke through the fog. I looked up from the cereal I was trying to make myself eat, realizing he'd probably been speaking to me without my noticing. Not for the first time.

"Sorry, what?"

He took a deep breath, apparently trying to be patient. "I asked you about spending Christmas with your mom and Phil."

"Oh." I tried to focus on the question. "I don't know. I could just stay here."

"Wouldn't you like to see your mother over the holidays?"

I didn't want to leave Forks, even for a few days, but I knew Charlie wouldn't like hearing that. "You won't have anybody with you for Christmas."

He mumbled something under his breath, but I got the gist: he would hardly have anybody with him even if I stayed. I thought I should probably feel bad about that in some way. "I know I'm not very good company, Dad..."

"It's not that." He looked guilty now, but I'd already forgotten what had happened to make him feel that way. I needed to pay closer attention. "I have you here every day. Renee wants to see you for Christmas. That's only fair, right?"

I processed this. I didn't see any plausible way to refuse to visit my mother, at least occasionally. Seeing her for the holidays would be a trial, though. Mom loved Christmas. She'd want me to help her decorate the tree, wrap presents. She'd be _merry_. Just the thought of putting up a decent front, even for a few days, was exhausting.

"Besides, you already agreed to go, remember?"

Yes, I had. Months ago, before my birthday, plans had been made for me to go to Jacksonville for the holidays. I'd forgotten about that, suppressed it because it reminded me of other plans I'd made. Christmas with..._him,_ and his family. Esme had told me the family would keep their Christmas tree up and have a second celebration when I got back to Washington. Alice had teased me about having to receive Christmas presents, and _he_ had laughed... The crack in my heart widened painfully, and I crossed my arms over myself, trying to turn my mind in other, safer directions.

I realized Charlie was waiting for a response. What was I supposed to be responding to? Right, Renee. "Yeah, I remember."

"Well, then. I'll get the plane ticket."

I could see I wasn't getting out of this. Okay, I could get through it. At least trying to cover up for Renee would keep my mind occupied.

"What'd you get her?" Charlie asked. I looked at him blankly. "What did you get your mom for Christmas?"

Oh, yeah. Presents. "Um...nothing." He stared at me. "I mean, I haven't done any Christmas shopping." In fact, this was the first I'd thought of Christmas. The decorations and carols everywhere I went hadn't really sunk in.

"Are you short on cash?"

I shook my head. "No. I'll get on it." I should get a present for Charlie too, I realized, and for Phil. Anybody else? I thought carefully, realizing I was prone to forgetting obvious things, like the existence of family members. No, that would about do it.

"Maybe one of your friends would like to go shopping with you," he suggested.

"Maybe." I tried taking another bite of my cereal. It didn't taste like anything, just wet stuff in my mouth that I had to deal with. I carefully chewed twice and swallowed. Mission accomplished. I sighed as I saw there were six or seven spoonfuls left in the bowl. And fourteen more waking hours left in the day.

"You don't see much of them lately."

I nodded. I didn't see them at all, really. I only spoke to people at school when they spoke to me, which was now almost never. Even the teachers had stopped calling on me. My schoolwork was flawless, which kept my grades high, but classroom involvement was another matter. I noted the time on the kitchen clock, stood to dump out the rest of my cereal and leave for school. I heard Charlie sigh behind me.

"Bella," he called after me as I headed for the door. I turned to him. He seemed to change his mind as he was about to speak. "Have a good day."

"You too, Dad." He looked pained. My voice was probably wrong, I thought as I walked carefully down the stairs and out to my truck. I tried to sound right, but most of the time my voice came out too flat. It was just so hard to simulate normal emotion when I spoke. I'd have to work harder on that.

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><p>By the time the plane landed in Jacksonville, I was already tired from the effort of remembering to act normal. I knew it was important in airports and on planes, so I acted normal for the ticket agents, the security guards, the flight attendants. It did keep me distracted, at least. I listened to the emergency instructions with slight interest. The idea of the plane crashing was oddly soothing.<p>

Mom and Phil came together to pick me up at the airport. I prepared myself to greet them, mentally running through the things I should do and say. I spotted them as I left the baggage claim, standing by their car in the pickup lane, smiling and waving to get my attention. I walked toward them, wheeling my suitcase behind me, and prepared to smile and say merry Christmas. When I smiled back at Renee, her eyes widened and she froze momentarily. Apparently I hadn't been very convincing, even after practicing my smile in front of the mirror at home.

As I reached her, she pulled me into her arms. "Bella! Honey, are you okay?"

"Sure, Mom." I tried to sound normal and give her a reassuring smile, but the effect only made her shudder. "It's good to see you." That was one of the phrases I'd taught myself to say in a cheerful voice. "Merry Christmas, Phil."

"Merry Christmas, Bella." Phil offered me a hug as well.

Renee still looked concerned. "Charlie told me..." She hesitated, and glanced over at Phil. "Well, maybe that can wait. Let's get you home."

They loaded my suitcase into the trunk and Phil started finding his way out of the airport and onto the highway. They'd let me take the back seat, which meant I could relax my smiling efforts a little bit. I tried to answer their questions and listen to their news updates as I watched the passing scenery out the car window. It was unfamiliar, not like anything I'd see around Forks, and that made it easier. Nothing I saw had any direct associations with _him_. I concentrated on acting normal, knowing I had a marathon ahead of me.

I did my best to take things moment by moment. We arrived at the house, and Mom pointed out changes they'd made in the decor. I tried to respond appropriately. Phil carried my suitcase to the guest room, and they showed me where the bathroom was, where the spare towels were, how to get fresh air into the room and which dresser drawers I could use. I kept nodding and thanking them.

I took the wrapped gifts I'd brought out of my suitcase and brought them downstairs to put under the Christmas tree. There were already several brightly decorated packages there. I assumed at least one was for me, and reminded myself to practice looking pleased, for when I unwrapped it tomorrow.

Mom was cooking something in the kitchen, and I joined her and asked if I could help. "No, I've got it under control. You go keep Phil company." She raised her voice slightly and called through the doorway, "Dinner in fifteen minutes!"

I sat down with Phil. He was easier to deal with than my mother. He asked easy questions: how was Charlie, was my flight okay, what's the weather like back in Forks? In no time, we were being called to the table.

I tried to eat, or at least appear to eat, while my mom and Phil talked about plans for the next day. Mom had chosen something unusual in place of turkey for the Christmas dinner, and I tried to express anticipation. Phil told a funny story about decorating the tree, and I tried to laugh when he did. That made Mom cringe a bit. Laughing, apparently, was not going over so well. Skip the laughing.

I put down my fork when the others seemed to be finished eating. Mom looked at my plate. "Go ahead and finish, Bella. Don't let us rush you."

"No, I'm full."

She grimaced and started to gather the plates. "Bella, could you help me with the dishes?"

"Sure." I followed her into the kitchen. I washed and she dried. I tried to focus on the work, but Mom wanted to talk.

"Charlie told me you've been going through a rough time," she began.

"It's nothing." I braced myself. If she started talking about E...about _him_, I could just leave the room.

"I could tell over the phone that you were pretty depressed." I shrugged. "Charlie said you don't like talking about what happened."

"No." I concentrated on washing every inch of surface on each dish.

"But sometimes you need to do that, honey, so you can get it out of your system and move on."

I nodded, placing a plate carefully in the drying rack.

She seemed to be waiting for me to say something else. "It's awful, breaking up. Especially at your age."

"It's no big deal." _Breaking up_ was exactly what it felt like. Pieces of me being broken off, torn away.

"Honey, of course it's a big deal! I can see it is! You're so..." She broke off helplessly. "I hardly know you. It's like someone turned the light off inside you."

"I'll be okay. Really, Mom, you don't have to worry." I wasn't used to lying to my mother, but I couldn't see any other way. Talking about it would be unbearable. It wasn't like other problems, that got better if you talked them out. This couldn't get better. The pain was bottomless, and nothing could ever make it less.

I'd finished with the dishes, so I took the opportunity to get the hell out of there. "I should go back and talk to Phil," I said, drying my hands on the kitchen towel.

"Sure." She was watching me too closely. I started to smile at her, thought the better of it and headed for the living room.

The next four days were a constant balancing act. I tried to act happy and enthusiastic about presents and festivities, the way I was supposed to, but without pushing the happy appearance too far and getting the startled look from Mom and Phil. I had to keep focusing on saying the right thing and having the right facial expression, when all I wanted was to go somewhere quiet so I could be numb for a while. And all the time, Mom watching me, looking for an opportunity to talk things over.

The day before I left to return to Washington, I came out of the guest room and overheard Mom talking on the phone. I stopped short when I realized she was speaking to Charlie, and shamelessly hid around a corner to listen.

"Charlie, I know you're parentally challenged, but this is ridiculous!"

There was a pause.

"I know. Okay, I'm sorry. I know you're trying. But this has gone too far. Why didn't you tell me?"

Another pause.

"Well, you didn't tell me it was _this_ bad! She's like a zombie!"

Brief pause.

"I'll tell you what I want you to do: I want you to take her to a doctor!" After a few second, she interrupted Charlie's obvious reply to say, "I don't care, Charlie! If she'd broken her leg and didn't want to have it set, would you just accept that? She needs help, and if you can't see that she gets it, I will."

The discussion became more civil after that, Charlie apparently accepting my mom's demands. They began talking over practical matters, naming doctors, speculating about possible treatments.

I was in big trouble.


	2. Better Living Through Chemistry

I came back to Charlie forewarned, and I argued with him for days. I made a pretty good case: I was maintaining high grades, keeping up with the housework, staying out of trouble. I'd given him no good reason to be hauling me off to mental health professionals.

Charlie, for once, held his ground. He could hear Renee figuratively breathing down his neck, and he knew she'd never let him hear the end of it if he capitulated.

He brought me a handful of pamphlets from a clinic in Port Angeles. The information convinced me to give up and let Charlie have his way. It was very unlikely I'd be hospitalized, considering my lack of self destructive behaviour and those excellent grades. I also, apparently, wouldn't be subjected to the weekly talk therapy I'd imagined. The doctor Charlie was endorsing was a psychiatrist who I checked out online. His routine was to conduct a brief initial interview and reach for the prescription pad. I could handle that.

Charlie drove me to the clinic on a Monday, immediately after school. He tried to give me a little pep talk on the way.

"I know you don't want to be going here."

"Right."

"It's the best thing."

"Okay."

"Your mom and I wouldn't be pushing for this unless it was really important."

"I know, Dad. It's fine."

There was a short wait in a tiny waiting room. Everything from the colour scheme to the paintings on the walls seemed intended to provide a soothing atmosphere. It was wasted on me, because the room also had soft music piped in. Piano music. I thought asking the receptionist to turn it off wouldn't be well received, so I crossed my arms tightly over the hole in my chest, and concentrated very hard on the pattern in the carpet.

I was called in a few minutes later. "Want me to come in with you?" Charlie asked.

"No, it's fine."

Charlie hesitated. "Maybe I should."

"All right."

The doctor's office was a relief: no music. The doctor introduced himself, and I immediately forgot his name. Something starting with a T, I think. True to his online reviews, he kept things brief and to the point.

"So, Bella, I hear you're feeling a little depressed."

"It's nothing."

He nodded sagely. "What about?"

I shrugged, and Charlie said, "Her boyfriend broke up with her." It hardly even hurt to hear that, the description was so far from the reality. My heart was ripped out of my chest, but I have to go on walking and talking and doing homework and cooking dinner without it. Part of me is missing and I'll never be able to get it back again. I knew better than to say that, though. Sure, I was the girl whose boyfriend broke up with her.

"That can be hard." The doctor quickly went through a series of practical questions about my eating habits, schoolwork (sure enough, those good grades made him raise his eyebrows and nod optimistically), social life, health. Charlie answered most of them.

Doctor T asked Charlie if I'd ever tried to hurt myself, harm others, damage property. Charlie admitted I hadn't. He asked me if I'd had thoughts of suicide. I said no.

Reaching for his prescription pad, Doctor Whoever said to Charlie, "I think it's a pretty straightforward case of depression. Severe, but we have medications that can manage it." He scribbled on the pad, tore off a sheet and handed it to me.

He seemed about to conclude the meeting, but Charlie was frowning at the prescription form. "Isn't there anything we should know about this stuff? Are there, you know, side effects?"

"A little dry mouth. Some people get mild stomach upsets. The pharmacy will give you some written information." He glanced impatiently from me to Charlie.

"Did you have any questions, Bella?" Charlie asked me.

Surprisingly, I did have one. "Does it affect my memory?" I added hastily, "Or my, my thinking ability? I don't want my schoolwork to suffer. I'm graduating this year."

Doctor Whatsit assured me it had no such effect, and we left.

Of course, I had only one reason for my question. I wanted to make sure nothing I took would blur my memories of Edward. Even if I didn't dare remember him, I needed to be sure I _could_. As long as that remained intact, I didn't really care what else the drugs did.

The list of side effects was unthreatening, at least to me. Charlie was a little concerned that loss of appetite was on the list. "You'll have to make a point of eating enough, Bells. You've already lost too much weight."

"Sure."

I grimaced at _decreased sexual drive_. That was long gone already, and I had no further use for it.

The list also warned of both drowsiness and insomnia. A strange combination. Apparently the drugs affected your sleep in odd ways.

I made a point of taking the pills in front of Charlie, just so he'd know I was following doctor's orders.

It was a couple of weeks before I noticed any difference. During that time, I tried my best to act normal, do all my chores without fail, talk to Charlie. I wasn't sure if it went over or not. Eventually, though, I started to feel the effects. They weren't what the doctor had hoped.

The hole in my chest remained the same size. The pain I felt, when I accidentally thought of...something I shouldn't, when I encountered some reminder, was as acute as ever. It never changed. What did change was the numbness I felt most of the time. The numbness got...numb-er.

I found I was able to fake being normal much better than before. I wasn't sure why, but the pills let me leave my real self behind a little, and act as if I were someone else. Someone normal. It seemed to be a relief for Charlie, so I kept it up. Charlie was the whole point of this exercise, after all.

The pills also affected my sleep, as promised. I don't think I talked in my sleep any more. A few times I'd fallen asleep on the couch in the evening, and Charlie commented that I didn't mumble to myself like I used to. The drug didn't stop the nightmares, but they did keep me from screaming in my sleep. Again, a relief for Charlie. I still screamed in terror as I walked through the dark woods and realized I was searching for something I'd never find, but I only screamed inside my dream. Nobody on the outside could hear.

So, it was all good.


	3. Being Normal

I talked to Mom on the phone and by email a little more often in the next few months. She asked a lot of searching questions, although she finally learned not to mention Edward directly. I knew she talked to Charlie as well; I'd overheard him once or twice, filling her in on my progress since seeing Doctor What's-His-Name. She seemed to accept my facade of normality. If I could fool Mom, I knew I could fool anyone.

That left me free to go back to where I had been: trying to stay numb, minimizing the pain, getting through one day at a time. Mom and Charlie had stopped worrying so much, and that had to be enough for me.

I was doing better at my part time job. The store had relegated me to the stockroom, probably because I didn't have the right demeanour for meeting customers. I was better with inanimate objects. Since being on the pills, they had started letting me help out in the main part of the store when things got busy. My college fund continued to grow, as I rarely spent money on anything.

Being in my last year of high school presented one difficulty. People kept asking me what I was going to do after graduation. Thinking too far ahead was a problem for me. I could deal with the idea of getting through one more day, or maybe two. Imagining myself doing this for a year, then another, for another few decades was overwhelming. I couldn't let myself think about it.

When I couldn't avoid the subject, I tried to give vague answers about seeing which college accepted me.

I was trying to fill out college applications in the evenings, mostly for Charlie's sake. He watched me struggle with the pile of forms at the kitchen table one night.

"Aren't a lot of kids in your class applying right now?" he asked me.

"I guess so."

"Why don't you ask them for some help? It's not like cheating on a test or something, right?"

"Right." It was the kind of thing I typically agreed to and forgot about, but when I looked up, Charlie was still standing by the table. The idea seemed to be important to him.

"You don't see your friends much these days."

"I see them every day at school." From across the room, usually.

"I mean outside of school. Don't you ever go out with friends?"

I sighed to myself. I'd thought I could coast for a while, now that I could put on my Normal mask at will. "I've been trying to concentrate on schoolwork." No father could find fault with that.

"You work too hard." He frowned. "Why not go out this weekend, do something fun?"

The concept of _fun_ took me a second or two to absorb. It wasn't really part of my daily life any more. "Sure."

He left the room, content, and I tried to think of something I could do this weekend. Something Charlie would ratify as sufficiently fun, and that I felt like I could get through. For just a split second, my mind slipped its leash and I wondered what Edward might be doing this weekend. I closed my eyes at the flash of pain, crossed my arms over my chest and forced my thoughts in other directions until I could breathe normally again.

Jessica agreed, a little hesitantly, to join me for burgers and a movie that Friday night. I understood her reluctance; I'd barely spoken to her for months. I preferred Angela's company, but Jessica would be easier. She'd take over the conversation, and require very little talking from me. She assured me she could borrow her parents' car. I don't think she liked my truck very much.

"Which movie did you want to see?" she asked me.

"I don't know." She looked annoyed, and I tried to be more responsive. "What's playing?"

"There's a love story, _Saccharine_." I shook my head. She thought. "Or _Zany Times Ten_, that comedy with that guy from Daft TV." I grimaced slightly. "Well, there's _Vicious Dead_. That's a horror movie."

"Sounds perfect."

"Really?" I nodded, trying to look certain. "Okay. I guess I can handle a horror movie."

I was able to announce to Charlie, when he asked, that I was going out that Friday. I managed to make it sound more rollicking than an evening with Jessica was likely to ever be, and he seemed pleased.

"Maybe Sunday you could go with me."

"Where?" I realized I probably should know.

"I told you. Sunday I'm having dinner with Billy over at his place, and watching the game." I gave him an incredulous look. "Well, okay, maybe it's not your thing, but you could hang out with Jake."

"Jake?" I remembered this time. "Oh, right." Jacob Black, Billy's son. He was a blur, like a lot of the past year.

"I think you two would hit it off," Charlie said, a little cautiously.

"Uh huh."

"He's a nice kid. Good looking, too."

His intent began to sink in at last. "Dad, isn't he, like, three years younger than me?"

"_Two_ years. More like one and a half." I worked up some animation and rolled my eyes at him. "Oh, fine. Forget I mentioned it."

"I will," I murmured as I went back to my book. "I definitely will." He snorted and left the room. I relaxed back into my numb state, relieved.

Jessica pulled up in front of the house in her parents' car that Friday, only a few minutes late. I made a show of eagerness as I ran out the door. This was for Charlie's benefit, after all.

I paid for the burgers for Jessica and myself, since I'd invited her; but she insisted on buying her own movie ticket. I asked plenty of leading questions, allowing Jessica to talk about herself at great length, and I tried to pay attention, hoping this weekend would keep Charlie off my back for a while. _Vicious Dead_ was satisfying in its lack of dangerous material - the one love scene was near the beginning, and I went for popcorn at that point. There was a lot of spurting blood and heads being ripped off. I vaguely remembered that I used to dislike that sort of thing, but now it just bounced off me harmlessly. Jessica seemed a little uncomfortable with some of the more graphic head-removal scenes.

We left the theatre and started walking toward Jessica's car. I was letting her talk, glad that the evening was nearly over, when I spotted a group of men outside a bar. I stopped walking and stared at them.

They were talking and laughing loudly, shoving each other and getting in the way of pedestrians. They seemed strangely familiar. I watched them a moment, until something clicked in my head. Those men who came after me, that other night in Port Angeles. It was about the same number in the group, and they were acting much the same.

I can't quite explain what happened next. My mind seemed to go through a series of associations. Those men reminded me of the gang who attacked me. The attack meant Edward coming to rescue me. I started walking toward them.

"Bella!" I heard Jessica behind me. "Where are you going?"

I gestured 'just a second' to her, and kept moving. Suddenly I heard a voice in my ear. _The_ voice. _Bella, stop._

I froze where I was. It came again, clear as day:_ Turn around and go back._ I looked behind me. The voice was so clear, I half expected to see_ him _standing there. I kept walking in the direction of the bar. _Turn around! Right now, Bella! _The voice was angry, snapping at me. It was glorious.

I turned to head back to where Jessica was standing on the sidewalk, looking confused. The voice immediately faded away, disappeared.

Only one thing to do. I changed direction again and started walking back to the group of guys, tense with anticipation. I wasn't disappointed. _Bella, stay away from them!_ I wanted to laugh, or cry for joy. It was _his_ voice, just as I remembered it, but hearing it wasn't like remembering it. Hearing it didn't hurt! No pain, just Edward's voice, full of concern, trying to keep me safe.

I was getting close to the group, and they'd started to notice me approaching them. _Please, Bella! You promised me._ "You broke your promises," I whispered to myself, to him. "You have no right to expect..." I'd reached the other side of the street. The men were staring at me, curious. One of them started talking to me, making suggestive comments, showing off for the others. I answered him automatically. I wasn't interested in him; I was waiting to see if the voice would come again. Finally I walked away.

Jessica was seething when I crossed back to where she was waiting. "What was that about?"

"Those guys. I thought I recognized one of them."

"_Those_ guys?" she asked incredulously.

"Yeah. But it wasn't him."

I managed to get her talking again, which saw us through the drive home. I thanked her for coming out with me, and she answered pleasantly enough. Apart from my approaching those men at the bar, she found nothing odd about my behaviour that evening. My Normal persona was working.

Charlie was in the living room when I came in, watching sports and finishing off the dinner I'd left for him. "Hey, Bells. How was movie night?"

I'd prepared my answers in advance, complete with vocal inflections and appropriate facial expressions. "Good. We got burgers and went to see this horror movie at the Lincoln. Scary stuff."

He grinned. "Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah. Monsters. Jessica got really freaked out."

"Jessica, huh? How about you?"

"Nah. Monsters don't faze me." I'd dealt with worse things. For Charlie's entertainment, I added, "Well, maybe a little."

He chuckled and turned back to the TV. I gathered my books and went to the kitchen to get a start on my weekend homework.

It wasn't until I was alone in my room that I let my mind wander to the events of the evening. In particular, one important event. Even now, recalling the sound of Edward's voice was like cold water after a long, hopeless walk in the desert. It was the closest to genuinely normal I'd felt since...since that day. I winced, and quickly shut down that memory.

I wanted it to happen again.


	4. Danger

Hearing Edward's voice didn't change my nocturnal experiences. I still searched in my dreams, still went through that growing panic that ended in horrified screams - even if the screams were now restricted to my dream, no longer audible.

I kept going through my daily balancing act. Simultaneously keep my Normal mask in place; guard my thoughts so they don't wander to painful areas; try to maintain my inner numbness; do my best to stay alert to things Charlie said or did, so I could make sure he wasn't getting suspicious again. I paid attention in school, kept my facial expression composed, answered when people spoke to me. There were a lot of pins to keep in the air at once.

At the same time, when I could, I thought about the voice: what had caused it and, most importantly, how I could get it back.

Danger, I decided, was the key. The voice had warned me against approaching those men. I heard it when I was in danger. If that was the case, danger was what I had to seek out.

Lying on my bed one night, waiting for sleep, I started to let my mind wander. The voice, obviously, was coming from my own head. I was amazed I could produce a hallucination that real. Somewhere at the back of my mind, an idea kept turning up that I couldn't grasp, couldn't quite define. It was about the voice. Why was my mind sending me the voice? It was because I knew something, something I didn't quite realize I knew.

I was drifting toward sleep, although my thoughts kept circling around the problem. What was it I was trying to tell myself? Something I knew. Something about _him_. Something that made it all hurt less.

The next morning, getting ready for school, I tried to plan. Where could I find danger? Danger that would not put me in the hospital, but would be serious enough to bring back the voice? I was at a loss. Even driving my truck too fast wasn't an option; it wouldn't really go over 50. Roller coasters and the like probably wouldn't work, since I couldn't help but be aware that the danger was imaginary.

I was still thinking about it when I walked to my truck. It was parked on the opposite side of the street, and I paused to shift my books to a more comfortable position in my arms. A car turned the corner, and I was suddenly struck by an idea. It was a completely insane idea, even I realized that, but I couldn't seem to stop myself. Pretending to be distracted by the stack of books I was shuffling, I walked out into the street, right into the path of the oncoming car.

_Bella, stop!_ The voice was as beautiful as ever, although tinged with alarm and raised almost to a shout. I stopped short an instant before the car horn blared, and I moved hastily out of the way. The car sped past me, the driver glaring angrily out the window as he passed. I barely noticed. My mind was working at top speed, trying to find other ways to put myself in danger. I didn't care how crazy this was. It was worth it.

Unfortunately, it was harder to run risks in Forks than I'd imagined. Weeks went by without my hearing the voice. Then, I got the bright idea of driving to Seattle on the excuse of doing some shopping. Charlie bought this without a trace of suspicion, still happy to see me getting out and doing things. I stayed until after dark, parked the truck in a moderately seedy part of town, and wandered casually down the street and into a deserted, unlit back alley. Sure enough, there it was.

_Bella, this isn't a good idea!_

My heart came to life at the sound, the pain inside me subsided. I kept walking into the blackness. _Bella, love, listen to me. Turn around and go back to the truck._ I walked on, slow but determined, all but glowing at the sound of his voice in my ears. The meaning of the voice, the meaning my mind was hiding from itself, came beguilingly close, so close I could almost grasp it. _Please, Bella. Please go back. It's not safe._ He was pleading so earnestly, I almost did as he asked, not wanting to upset him any more. I grinned to myself; I was believing my own hallucination. Almost.

Something moved in the darkness ahead of me. I squinted, trying to see, my heart pounding. There was just enough light to catch the movement on the pavement. Rats, dashing to and from a pile of garbage. I gave in and turned back. My encounter with the voice would tide me over for days, anyway.

Finding danger became part of my routine. Ever responsible, I kept my episodes down to no more than once every ten days to two weeks. I continually searched for new ways to bring back the voice. I had a wonderful breakthrough when I saw an ad in Charlie's paper for a place that rented motorcycles. I couldn't really afford the rental fee for a full-sized motorcycle, but the less expensive dirt bike, on the right terrain, would be risky enough for my purposes. One Saturday morning I visited the place and made enquiries.

"Sure, we rent them out by the day," the owner told me. He looked me over dubiously. "You ever ridden one before?"

"No," I admitted. "Is it hard?"

"Takes some getting used to. Here, maybe you should try it first." He led me to the area where cycles of all kinds were stored, and yanked a badly scratched bike toward the back door. He rapidly identified the controls and handed me a helmet. "Take a few turns around the parking lot."

I cautiously swung my leg over the seat, trying to make sense of his instructions. He impatiently corrected me on a couple of items, and I finally started the engine and slowly took off. The balance I'd eventually managed to develop while riding a bicycle came back to me, and I carefully circled the asphalt lot twice before returning the bike to the shop and asking to rent it for the day.

"Most people use these for racing, or for trials," the owner remarked as I counted out cash into his hand. "I don't guess that's what you want it for."

"Um, no."

"Trail riding?"

"Yeah."

"Well, take it easy 'til you get used to it. A lot of people take a spill the first time out." I nodded, feeling hopeful. "Or lose control and run into a tree," he mused, placing my money in the cash register.

He wheeled the bike up a portable ramp into the back of my truck, and I drove to an area of state park I was familiar with. It was mostly deserted, and had beautifully uneven terrain. I started out slowly, getting used to the bike, feeling slightly out of control. When the trails became more rugged, full of sudden rises and sharp turns, I began to increase the speed.

_Bella, slow down!_

I gulped, overjoyed. It worked! I went slightly faster.

_You shouldn't be doing this! Don't you realize how badly you could hurt yourself?_

I struggled to maintain control of the bike, distracted by the sound of his voice. I flew over a small rise in the trail, landed on the far side, and jerked the handlebars back into place in time to keep from shooting straight into an oncoming tree. _Bella, please. You've had one close call. I beg you, don't put yourself in any more danger. _I wasn't following his instructions - he wasn't real, after all - but I thought I'd better not push my luck. I started to slow down, but not before I hit a partially buried tree root at a fairly high rate of speed. _Bella! Look out!_ Both wheels slid to one side and I flew off, landing hard, sliding through the dirt and scraping my hand badly. I got up slowly, examining myself for injuries. Just the scrape and a bump or two, and the breath knocked out of me. It could have been much worse. I dabbed the blood from my palm on a wad of grass, climbed slowly back on the bike, and paused.

Strange sounds were coming from the distance, away from the trail where the trees were denser. Something about the noise made my hair stand on end. It was a distant growling sound that gradually grew in intensity, accompanied by sharp, staccato noises similar to rocks breaking. The noises reached a crescendo, then broke off. I stood frozen, scanning the woods for signs of wild animals. There were many of them, judging from the sounds. _You should start back_, the voice whispered to me. It startled me enough to get me moving.

I'd heard enough of the voice to keep me satisfied for some days, so there was no need to take further risks for now; but I decided I may as well use the time I'd paid for. Not here, though. I loaded the bike back into my truck and moved along to another area of parkland, one with wide, level trails. I wanted to get better acquainted with motorcycles. They had potential.

There was only one time I had second thoughts about my daredevil activities. Charlie had started to push me, again, to go out and do things with friends, so I joined Angela and a few others for a day at the beach. I was gazing out at the water, pondering the possibilities - speedboats? parasailing? - and my eyes fell on the cliffs and rock formations a little further along the coastline.

The image of those cliffs kept coming back to me as I lay in bed that night. _You could try climbing them_, my mind told me. _It could be interesting. Rock climbing, lots of people do it._ I nodded sleepily. _And just risky enough._ I smiled to myself. Something like that would certainly bring the voice.

This internal dialogue continued as I drifted into sleep. _Or you could dive from the edge_, my mind hinted. _The water's deep there. It should be safe. And even if it isn't_... I blinked at the unspoken suggestion.

I recognized that my mind, certain parts of it, had been hidden, and not just from Charlie or the kids at school. Some of it was hidden even from me, buried deep, and I was getting an unexpected peek.

My thoughts turned into a dream. I'd come across a door in my own house, a door to a seldom used room, and opened it to find someone I'd trusted - my twin sister I never realized I had - inside. I somehow knew she was doing something unlawful. I looked around the room. She was printing counterfeit currency. I was shocked, of course, and I disapproved in no uncertain terms.

"You can't do this!" I stormed at her. "Imagine what it would do to Charlie!"

My twin just looked back at me knowingly.

I wanted to report her, to shut the whole thing down, and I told her so. "But wait," she said. "What if there's an emergency? What if you really _need_ this money? What if things get really, really desperate? Wouldn't it be nice, knowing that you always have the option?"

I stopped, my hand on the doorknob, uncertain.

"You don't have to participate," she assured me. "Forget you ever looked in here. Just keep everything in place, in case of emergencies."

In the end, I quietly closed the door and walked away, pretending I'd never noticed anything unusual.


	5. Gravity

Doctor Prescription Pad saw me for my progress review, as he called it. He asked me one or two more questions than usual, declared my treatment a success, and announced it was time to start taking me off the pills.

"It is?" This was unexpected. "I thought I'd be taking them for a long time."

"It was just a stopgap measure," he explained, rummaging around in his desk drawer and pulling out a pile of printed forms with a drug company logo on the top. "You needed a boost to get you past a difficult experience. You've obviously gone on to..." He lost his train of thought as he started scribbling on his prescription pad.

I sat and watched him write. This could be a problem. The pills kept things buried, out of public view. They let me wear my Normal face, the one that convinced Charlie I was my old self again, or nearly. They kept me from screaming out loud at night.

"You have to decrease the dosage gradually," he was explaining. "I'll give you a prescription for a reduced amount, then a smaller one in two weeks, and so on. Follow the instructions to the letter." He handed me a printed sheet.

"Are you sure? I mean, about discontinuing the pills. What if I go back to...?"

"I'm sure you won't," he said confidently. "I've seldom seen a better response to anti-depressants. But if you do, of course we can always try another round." He nodded, apparently meaning to bring the visit to a close.

Charlie was glad to hear I was finished with the medication, taking it as a sign I was truly over my zombie phase and ready to be happy again. I wondered if I'd be able to keep up the facade without the drugs. Remembering the effort I'd made to appear normal, and the kind of reaction I usually got, it seemed unlikely.

If only I could think about Edward without it hurting. If I at least had memories to lose myself in, I thought I could go on more or less like a regular girl, one who didn't have her heart pulled out of her chest leaving a gaping hole in its place.

I was on the smallest dose, a week before I was scheduled to discontinue the pills altogether, when my screaming nightmares started to become audible again. Charlie commented on it the morning after the first one.

"I thought those nightmares were over and done with," he remarked as I gathered my books for school.

"Yeah, me too," I said, avoiding his eyes. "But everybody gets bad dreams. That's normal."

"I guess." He looked concerned. I knew this would become a nightly event once again. I tried to figure out a way to muffle the sound. Could I wear a gag to bed?

Just as I'd expected, I went back to the way I'd been before the pills. I felt the same inside, but it became harder to maintain a normal facade. I did my best, and long experience with faking it helped a lot. I didn't come across as a complete zombie any more. I worked especially hard to act normal for Charlie. He mostly accepted it. The only thing I couldn't completely hide was the screaming in the night. A hard thing to camouflage.

I finally acted on an idea that had been at the back of my mind since September. I'd never quite had the energy to manage it before, but I had the idea it might help, somehow. After school one day, when I knew Charlie would be working late, I drove down the highway toward the house. I didn't name the house or its former inhabitants to myself; didn't even acknowledge my destination. I just kept driving. I found the drive after three tries, and drove slowly along it. stopping the truck when I got within sight of the big, white house. I climbed out and approached it on foot.

I don't know what I thought I'd find there. My heart was beating rapidly, expectantly, as I walked slowly up the front steps, onto the wide wooden porch. I held my breath and looked in through the window. There was nothing inside. Just empty rooms. No trace left behind, no possible clue as to their whereabouts. Nothing.

I walked rapidly back to my truck, trying not to break into a run. I sat in the front seat, leaning on the steering wheel and fighting back feelings of panic. It was too much like my dream - like following something and realizing there was nothing there. I finally managed to stop shaking and slow my breathing until I was calm enough to drive. The return trip seemed long and pointless. Why drive home? Why not just sit in my truck forever, until vegetation covered it? I had a hard time remembering a good reason.

The Saturday after I finished my pills, I went to the beach with a group from school. I had no interest, but going out with friends kept Charlie placated. The others began leaving in the mid afternoon, when a strong wind came up. I told them I wanted to stay and take a walk, and waved goodbye to them as they drove off.

It started to sprinkle lightly as the wind increased, and the beach was soon deserted. I sat for a while, relieved at the opportunity to just sit and try to be numb. The group from school had been talking about their plans for college and beyond. I'd improvised as well as I could. In reality, my greatest ambition was to be numb. To be able to forget everything important so I didn't have to deal with the pain. To hide the horrifying nightmares I went through every night, finding myself alone and desperately searching for something that wasn't there. My mind veered briefly toward a memory of Edward, just a fleeting little memory of sitting in his car and talking with him. The pain was instantaneous, and I wrapped my arms around myself, turning my mind to something else. Something that wouldn't hurt.

After a long time I got up. I strolled along the water's edge, watching the waves become larger and wilder as the wind rose. I came to the place where the strip of sand ended and an uneven ridge of rock rose up, curving into the ocean. I stared at it, remembering my plans to try rock climbing. _Or diving_, a faint reminder came to me. I frowned a moment. It sounded suspiciously like the twin sister from my dream. Maybe I shouldn't listen to her, although I was no longer clear on why I shouldn't. It was okay; I could just try climbing for now.

I started cautiously up the ridge, reaching the top at the point where the ridge jutted out into the churning water. I continued carefully along the top of the crag as it climbed higher, directly into the ocean. There was a ledge about two feet below me that somehow looked inviting, and I cautiously dropped down onto it. I sat there cross legged, watching the breakers crash into the cliffs below me.

The idea of diving occurred to me again. To my disappointment, merely climbing the rocks hadn't brought the voice. Trying to dive into the ocean from this height, though, _that_ ought to do it. It was a shame to take all this trouble and not even get to hear it. But I don't have a swimsuit, I thought. It doesn't matter, I answered myself. Probably just getting up and preparing to dive would bring the voice. I wouldn't even have to really dive. Unless I wanted to.

I stood up, stretched, took on a diver's pose. Nothing. I stared at the waves below, fascinated. They were so soothing. I didn't make a conscious decision to jump. I just couldn't come up with any more reasons not to. I stepped casually to the edge of the cliff, and gravity took care of the rest.

My heart leapt when I heard him, just at the moment when I took a step off the cliff's edge. _Bella, no!_ It made the fall, and even the shocking plunge into cold salt water, joyful. I surfaced for only a second before a huge wave rolled over my head. I managed to swim upward and catch a quick breath before a second wave covered me. I began to lose my bearings, felt myself being tossed from one direction to another. At one point I was thrown against a rock, and felt a sharp pain in my upper arm; but when I reached out to grab it and steady myself, I'd already been carried out of reach. _Just relax_, my mind whispered to me. _Don't fight. Imagine: no more pain._ That sounded like a wonderful idea. I almost smiled at the thought. I was pretty sure there was a down side, but I couldn't remember what it might have been.

But almost immediately, I heard the voice again. _No! Bella, don't you dare give up!_ I couldn't help but listen to him. _Swim! Dammit Bella, keep trying!_ I did. I kept doggedly swimming, fighting both the current and my own inclination. I managed to surface once more, and take a gulp of air. I could see I was now a long distance from the shore.

The voice kept urging me, and I kept fighting, but it was hopeless. I felt myself being dragged down again, and I didn't have the strength to keep swimming. _Bella_, the voice called once more, but without much urgency. "I love you," I called to him, my mouth filling with water. _I love you, Bella_, he answered, his voice beyond beautiful, and at that moment I thought, I _knew_, that it was true. I felt happiness, and realized how completely that feeling had been missing from my life all these months. I relaxed and let myself fade away, feeling no regret, only peace.

I was barely conscious when I felt something else, something unexpected. It seemed as if something, some_one_, had grabbed me and was pulling me through the water. I tried to fight it off, but my struggles had no effect. I was being pulled by abnormally strong arms up to the surface. I felt air against my face. Reflexively I inhaled, coughed and spat, and gasped again. I tried to turn and see, tried to get away, but the arms were too strong.

A moment later, I found myself being pulled along on my back, in the standard YMCA-approved lifeguard's hold, toward the shore. I couldn't see who was towing me, only feel the powerful arm around me, the water rushing past, and the ragged sound of my breathing. I felt a little scared, but mostly I was just mildly disappointed.

A few minutes later, my feet started to drag along the rocky shore. I struggled to get my legs under me, but they were like rubber, and I sat down abruptly on the beach. I took a couple of deep breaths, staring out at the ocean I'd just been saved from, and finally turned around to face my rescuer.


	6. Alice

"Alice!"

My head spun as I tried to take in her presence, convince myself she wasn't a newer, more detailed hallucination. I spluttered, gestured, almost fell back into the water, and finally grabbed her awkwardly and pulled her into a ferocious hug. "You're really here?" I honestly wasn't sure.

She laughed her lovely, tinkling laugh. "I'm really here!" She drew back and looked at me. "And _you_ very nearly weren't."

"Um..."

"If I hadn't seen you jumping off a cliff into the ocean..." She shook her head, her expression bleak. "As it was, I barely made it in time. Bella, what on earth were you thinking?"

I couldn't think of a thing to say.

She looked me over and sighed. "Well, never mind. Let's get you home and into some dry clothes. You don't need medical attention, do you?"

I shook my head, but her attention was drawn by the gash on my arm. "Sharp rock. The waves kind of threw me around." I explained. She nodded, but I could see the tension on her face. I hastily pulled off the button-down blouse I'd put on over my tee shirt, and tied it around my upper arm. "Better?"

"Yes, a little, thanks."

She put an arm around me, and I managed to walk with Alice supporting me as we went. "Where are we going?" I asked. I realized I was a little bit out of it.

"To your truck."

That made sense. Fortunately, she seemed to know where I'd parked. I couldn't remember.

She dumped me in the passenger seat, buckled my seat belt, and hopped behind the wheel herself. "I didn't think you'd ever agree to drive something like this," I said. My voice sounded odd, and I seemed to be shivering.

"It's a major concession." She kept an eye on me as we drove, actually getting the truck to travel a little over 50.

I slumped back in the seat, trying to make sense of it all. "So why are you here?"

"I told you. I saw you jumping off that cliff into the ocean, and...well, and not coming back out again."

"Oh." I mulled that over. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." She grinned at me.

"I didn't think I'd ever see you again." Abruptly, I found myself crying. It was the first time in months. I hadn't been happy in all that time, but I hadn't been able to cry, either. Alice watched me even more closely.

She parked neatly in front of Charlie's house, helped me out of the truck, and supported me up the steps and through the front door. Once we were inside, she set aside pretense, picked me up and carried me rapidly upstairs. I was still crying, off and on, and shaking violently. She efficiently stripped off my clothes, ran a hot shower and pushed me under the spray. "Stay there," she instructed me. "Sit down in the tub if you feel dizzy."

She disappeared for a few seconds, coming back dressed in dry clothes she'd apparently taken from my room. She helped me out of the shower and handed me a towel. "Those clothes don't fit you," I pointed out.

"They'll do for now."

I dried myself off, feeling slow and clumsy. She took the towel from me, gently kneaded the excess water out of my hair, wrapped the towel around my head and led me to my bedroom. She handed me underwear, jeans, a tee shirt and socks, and I put them on. She flitted back to the bathroom and returned with a large adhesive bandage, which I used to cover up the cut on my arm. She once again picked me up and carried me back downstairs.

"You should eat and drink something," she said, looking around the kitchen.

"Why?"

She gave me an incredulous look, and brought me a glass of milk and a stale cinnamon roll. She stood by the table, watching me, as I ate and drank.

"Have you been eating at all? How much weight have you lost since the last time I saw you?"

"Weight? I don't know." I carried my dishes to the sink and turned back to her.

She led me to the living room, where I dropped onto the sofa. She sat on Charlie's recliner, facing me. "Are you okay now?"

"Sure." I did feel better, actually. Not so shaky any more.

"You look like you've just survived a death march."

That hit home. "It's been hard, Alice. It never stops hurting. I've been trying my best, but..." I started crying again. "Crap. I'm sorry. I haven't cried in so long, and then today..."

She shook her head. "I _told_ him."

"Is he...is anybody else here with you?"

She understood. "Jasper's not far. Nobody else is here, no." I didn't want to ask, but she could easily guess what I wanted to know. "He left the family a while back. We hear from him by phone every once in a while. He's not doing so well."

"He's not?" That alarmed me. "Why? What's wrong?"

She huffed an incredulous laugh. "What do you _think_ is wrong, Bella? The same thing that's wrong with you. He's been away from you since last September, and he's not taking it well."

"But he was the one who left. He said..." I stopped, the moment of insight I'd had while drowning coming back to me. Apparently almost dying can give you a certain clarity. I looked to Alice for confirmation.

"He lied to you. He thought you were better off without him - without any of us - so he told you a story he thought would make you let him go and move on." She looked more closely at me; I was staring into a corner of the room. "You never figured it out?" I shook my head. "Well, he's a mess. He doesn't do any better without you than you, apparently, do without him."

"So the reasons he gave me for leaving...?"

"All lies." She waited. "Bella?"

"Where is he?" She didn't answer. "Tell me where he is, Alice!"

"Bella, he'd kill me. I swore I wouldn't...well, I swore I'd never contact you, for that matter, or watch your future."

"He told all of you to stay away from me? That's why you just disappeared?"

"Yes."

My eyes filled with tears yet again. "You never even said goodbye."

"I didn't want to go, Bella. None of us did. It's just that Edward was so adamant about it. He insisted we were bad for you. He wanted you to have a chance at a normal human life. That's what he told us."

"And it never occurred to anyone to ask what _I_ wanted?"

She looked uncomfortable. "You can't imagine what he was like, Bella. He was absolutely driven. He just wore us all down. We finally agreed to everything he asked, although none of us was really happy with it." She sighed. "If it helps at all, he's been in misery the entire time."

I didn't want to think about that. I got back to the central point. "Where, Alice?"

"I can't exactly point you to him. He's in a fairly remote spot at the moment."

"Then will you take me to him?"

She seemed confused by my mood. "Why?"

"So I can chew his head off, for one thing. The lying, sneaking..."

She hid a smile. "He meant well, Bella. He thought he was doing what was best for you. He really does love you."

I wanted to respond to this, to find out more, but the events of the day were catching up with me. I found myself becoming staggeringly exhausted.

"Bella, why don't you take a nap? We can talk later."

I hesitated. "Will you still be here?"

She smiled. "I promise." She saw my worried look. "I absolutely swear, Bella, I'll be here when you wake up." She placed a sofa pillow invitingly at one end of the sofa, and I sank down onto it.

"Thank you, Alice. I'm so glad you're here."

"I'm glad, too."

I conked out in seconds. It had been quite a day.

When I woke up, I was disoriented. It took me a minute to figure out that the large object blocking my view was the back of the sofa, which I was facing. I lay still, trying to remember everything that had happened that day, and finally realized a conversation was taking place nearby. Voices were coming from the kitchen. Charlie was home.

"I came up here for a college tour," Alice was explaining. "I was coming back from Seattle, and decided to look in on Bella."

"So why are you wearing Bella's clothes?"

Alice laughed. "Well, she and I were wading, and we both got knocked over by a wave. We were soaked. Our other clothes are in the dryer."

"How did you even find her?"

"Elementary," she said, chuckling. "I came here to the house first, but nobody was home. I thought, since it was a nice, sunny Saturday, that she might have gone to the beach. I was driving along the coast road and, sure enough, there was her truck."

"Good detective work," Charlie commented, and she laughed.

"Bella doesn't seem to be doing all that well," Alice suggested cautiously.

I heard Charlie sigh. "You don't know the half. She was like the walking dead after your brother took off. Not just a few days, but months. Not eating, not reacting to anything, really. Completely out of it, and waking up screaming from nightmares, every single night. For a while, I was afraid she'd try to hurt herself. I finally took her to a doctor. He put her on anti-depressants for a while. They seemed to help a little, but she's still...I don't know, not herself."  
>He continued, describing my blankness, my lack of emotion, the words coming more and more rapidly. This is probably the first time he's talked to anyone about it, I thought, my heart aching for him.<br>"And she keeps _trying_ so hard, Alice. Perfect grades, perfect housekeeping, perfect behaviour. I can see her working her tail off to keep up, to make it look like everything's okay, but it's just...not."

"I'm so sorry, Charlie."

"I'm glad you're here. Maybe you can cheer her up a little."

"I'll do my best."

"_He's_ not coming back, is he?"

"I'm not sure of his plans at the moment. He's travelling."

"Great." Charlie sounded bitter and angry. "On vacation. Just great."

"Things aren't what they seem, Charlie."

He made no answer to that, and I decided to roll over and let it be known that I was awake.


	7. Catching Up

The discussion between Alice and Charlie stopped when they saw I was waking up. Charlie tried to keep a fairly upbeat conversation rolling, exclaiming about what a surprise it was to see Alice again, how great it would be for she and I to spend some time together this weekend. He quickly wound down, unaccustomed to that sort of thing, but did conclude by inviting Alice to stay for dinner.

"Or maybe stay the night, if you want. You and Bella could catch up. Cheaper than a hotel."

Alice looked over at me. I definitely liked the idea. I didn't want to let her out of my sight.

"Sure. Thanks, Charlie."

Charlie returned to his television and I started making dinner with Alice's limited help. "I hope you don't have to actually eat this," I told her apologetically. "Let me know if there's anything I can do to make it easier."

"I'll manage," she said, smiling.

"Thanks for staying."

"I'm happy to." She grinned. "I might skip out for a while once you're asleep, and join Jazz, but I'll be back before you wake up."

"Where _is_ Jasper?"

"In the woods. He's been checking out some strange phenomena."

"What kind?"

"It's hard to know. There was a vampire in the area recently, and he was apparently killed."

My eyes widened. "By another vampire?"

"That's just it. As far as we can tell, there was only the one."

"What else can kill a vampire?"

"Not much," she said, a little evasively. "And what makes it even stranger is, I can't see anything. The whole situation is blocked from me."

"That's weird." I looked at her. "Are you worried about this?"

"Not worried, exactly. Mostly curious. Carlisle thinks he knows what's going on. But I shouldn't say any more until we know for sure."

Charlie joined us at the table for about two minutes before taking his plate into the living room with him. Apparently there was some particularly crucial sporting event on television. It gave Alice a chance to ditch her food, unobserved.

"You should have my share," she said, transferring her dinner onto my plate. "You look like a famine victim."

I grimaced, and tried to eat as much of it as I could. I braced myself for another difficult question. "So how is the rest of the family?"

"They're doing all right. Not great, to be honest." She leaned her head on her fist. "The past few months have been hard. There was a big disagreement over leaving to begin with, and once we did move, Edward went into such a tailspin." I winced, but she pretended not to notice. "It was hard being around him. Especially for Jasper. He finally moved out and went off on his own. We hardly hear from him. We all miss him. We miss you, too," she added.

I looked up, startled. "Oh! Um, thanks." I didn't know what to say. Even if that were true, none of them _had_ to miss me. They were the ones who left. But I didn't want to get into that again. "I missed all of you, too." I felt like I was going to start crying again, and quickly got busy shovelling in the food.

She reached over and squeezed my hand. "I hope you can forgive us for leaving that way."

"Sure," I said. I was fairly sure I could.

We joined Charlie in the living room long enough to be polite, then moved upstairs. I put on pyjamas, and offered a pair to Alice. She just laughed. "Put on some music," Alice suggested. "It'll make for a convincing slumber party atmosphere."

I hesitated, not wanting to sound nuts. "I don't really play music any more."

"You don't?"

"No. I...I just don't like hearing it. It's too...difficult."

She dropped it. "Okay, then. Let me braid your hair." I sort of almost laughed. "Come on, Bella! It's something I don't get to do for myself."

I glanced at her spiky, close cropped hair. "Oh, all right. Braid away."

She gathered the necessary materials and started brushing and manipulating sections of my hair, using human speed. It was actually very pleasant and calming.

"Alice?"

"Mm hm?"

"Does everybody know about...you know, about him lying to me? When he left?" I still couldn't say his name out loud.

"Yes. I got a glimpse of it, and he admitted it to me, in front of the family. He said it was the only way to really give you your freedom."

I snorted bitterly. "Yeah, I've been enjoying that freedom immensely these past months. Time of my life."

She sighed. "I still don't know if it was right to tell you. Edward would be furious. But then, he'd be mad that I watched for you in the first place."

"I don't think he could hold it against you that you saved me from drowning."

"No. But I'm a little worried. Knowing it was all a lie, does that make things harder for you?'

I thought a moment, as she finished with my hair and moved around to sit in front of me on the bed. "Actually, it makes things easier. All this time, I've been thinking..._he_ rejected me, stopped loving me. I couldn't really think about him, it hurt too much, but when I," I paused, trying to find the words, "when I let myself be aware of him, that he existed somewhere in the world, it was like hitting a brick wall. He existed, but he didn't want me. Now I know that, even if he's gone, he still loves me. He does it stupidly," I added drily, "but he does love me. Being away from him is still awful, but it cushions the blow, if you see what I mean." I wrapped my arms around my middle. This conversation was too close to the bone for me.

Alice nodded thoughtfully. "Then I'm glad I told you. I just wish..." She shook her head.

"He still won't see me again. Is that right? Even though he lied about...how he felt, he's still convinced I'm better off this way, than with him?" I felt a wave of hopelessness.

She looked sad. "I don't know what to tell you, Bella. He's very determined when he gets fixed on an idea."

Even after my short afternoon nap, I was tired. I got into bed, and Alice sat up beside me. She asked me questions about what had been going on in my life since the Cullens had left, about school and work, my psychiatric treatment, trivia of daily life. I think I fell asleep when I was in the middle of a sentence.

I emerged from my nightmare just after dawn, screaming my head off. Alice shook me gently. "Are you awake now?"

I sat up clumsily. "Yes. Sorry."

"This has been going on every night?"

"Yeah. Well, when I was on the pills, I wouldn't scream out loud. I wish I could stop doing that. It probably wakes up Charlie."

She shook her head. "Are you okay now?"

"Sure." I pushed myself up, went to the bathroom, washed my face. I came back to find Alice holding a selection of clothes she'd picked from my closet. I grinned faintly at the familiar sight, and accepted the outfit she'd chosen.

"I went to see Jasper during the night."

"Right. How's the investigation going?"

"Slowly. I was wondering if you'd like to see him again."

"Of course! If it's okay with him, I mean."

"He'd like that. Should I tell Charlie we're going to spend the day shopping?"

"As long as it's not the truth." I led her down the stairs.

Charlie was happy to have me spend the day out with Alice. "Why don't you have dinner someplace, too?" he suggested, handing me a couple of bills. I started to protest, but he stopped me. "You don't get out that much, Bells. Go on, have fun. I'll pick up something to eat on my way back."

"Back?"

"I'm going over to Billy's for a while. I was going to stay home, but if you and Alice are going out..."

"Sure. Have fun, Dad. Say hi to Billy for me, and Jacob."

I ate breakfast, Alice overseeing the activity with a watchful eye and urging me to eat more, then we left in Alice's car. She was, if anything, a crazier driver than...other Cullens. She headed out of town, down the highway, stopping near the trailhead from which he had once led me to his private meadow. Was it nearby, then? I looked up the side of the hill, then turned away quickly as memories started to flood back.

Alice put a hand on my shoulder, making sure I was okay, before turning me in the direction of the trail. Jasper emerged suddenly from the trees.

He smiled at Alice, then turned to me. "Hello, Bella."

It was a shock to see him again. He seemed to feel this, and hung back. The surprise passed quickly. "Jasper, hi! It's so good to see you again." I approached him, intending to shake his hand, but without thinking I gave him a quick hug around the neck. He patted me cautiously on the shoulder, but didn't pull away.

I moved back, feeling awkward now. Jasper looked from Alice to me, his face serious. I realized he could see past my surface behaviour, could feel the constant ache that never diminished, the continual effort to keep everything in place. He didn't give any indication; he just said, "Shall we take a walk?"

We walked along the trail slowly, for my sake, and talked. Jasper's polite questions about my life, school, my parents, were answered quickly. I realized he couldn't say much about what was going on in his life right now - he couldn't even tell me where his family was currently living.

When we reached a small clearing, and I paused a moment to rest, he stopped and turned back to me. "Bella, let me take this opportunity to apologize to you for what happened on your last birthday." I crossed my arms over my chest as memories of _him_ driving me to my birthday party floated through my head. I sternly suppressed them. Jasper paused, seeming to take in my reaction. "There is certainly enough to be sorry for, but in view of, er, subsequent events, I have even more to regret. No apology would be adequate, but I feel compelled to at least make an attempt. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me."

"Jasper, of course! You know I never held that against you, not for one second. Please, don't even think of it again."

He smiled wryly. "You're a very forgiving person."

"It was just an awful combination of events. You're not to blame."

We walked as far as the first scenic lookout, took in the view, then walked back. Alice, to my surprise, said goodbye to Jasper and headed back toward her car.

"We're leaving?" I asked.

"Jasper's staying to look into the situation a little more. And you and I are going shopping. Didn't you hear what I told Charlie?"

I rolled my eyes. I should have known. I turned to say goodbye to Jasper. "It was wonderful being able to see you again, after so long," I told him.

"It was good seeing you, too," he said. He seemed to hesitate before adding, "I'm sorry to hear you're ailing. I hope things get better for you soon."

I hugged him again, and this time he returned the embrace more warmly. "Have fun," he said, to Alice as well as me, and laughed at my expression.

Alice took off down the highway at her usual rate of speed. "Don't panic, Bella. I'm not planning a makeover. Just a fun day out. We'll stop for lunch - at least, you will - look around the bookstores, just hang out for the day. Okay?"

"Sure. it sounds nice." I was actually looking forward to a day with Alice, unlike the 'going out with friends' I'd done to keep up a front for Charlie. It felt good to actually enjoy someone's company.


	8. The Meadow

We got back to Charlie's house just before 9:00. Alice had come up with an amazing variety of things to do in Port Angeles, almost none of them having to do with changing my appearance, to her credit. I finally realized she was trying to cheer me up, just as Charlie had asked her to. It was touching.

I began to feel a little apprehensive as she pulled in at the curb. "Can you come in for a while?" I was afraid of having her disappear again.

"Not tonight." She smiled, apparently understanding what I was worried about. "I'll come by early tomorrow, before school, to say goodbye." She caught my look of distress. "Officially, that is. Charlie thinks I'm going back home tomorrow morning, so I have to keep up appearances. But we'll be staying at least a few days, Jasper and me. I'll be seeing you again."

"Oh!" I was relieved. "I'm so glad. Alice, you won't, you know, just disappear again, will you? You'll at least give me some way to stay in touch with you?"

"I promise, Bella. Don't worry."

"I don't want to cause any conflict for you."

"It'll be fine."

I hugged her goodbye, thanked her for the wonderful day, and ran into the house. Charlie was reading the newspaper, the television still running in the background. "Hi, Bells. Have a good day?"

"Really good. Thanks for taking care of dinner."

"No problem."

I finished off my homework and went to bed. The comparatively positive mood I'd been in while spending time with Alice began to wear off, and I felt a certain depression creeping over me. I was happy to be able to stay in contact with her and Jasper, but her presence reminded me of what was still missing from my life. Knowing that _he_ still loved me was bittersweet at best, when there was still no possibility of ever seeing him again. I finally fell into an uneasy sleep, and woke up screaming just after midnight.

As promised, Alice stayed even after her official departure on Monday morning. She turned up at odd moments, whenever I was alone, once hiding on the floor of my truck while I was in school, and once showing up at my bedroom window at night, startling me by tapping on the glass.

Charlie was out of the way for most of the week, due to a minor personal tragedy: his friend, Harry Clearwater, had died of a heart attack Monday night. Between visiting Harry's family and helping make arrangements, and his regular work hours, he was away from home most of the time that week. Although I felt bad for Charlie, I didn't participate in the funeral preparations; I'd barely known Harry or his family.

On Friday night, Alice knocked on the window again, and I waved her in. She perched gracefully on the foot of my bed. "Bella, are you busy tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow? No, nothing's going on that I know of. Why?"

"I'd like you to go hiking with Jazz and me."

"I'm not much of a hiker, Alice. Especially compared to you."

She grinned. "We can help."

"Okay, if you want. Any special reason you want to go hiking?"

"Yes." She stopped, her lips pursed thoughtfully.

"Is it a secret?" I asked, dreading more surprises. I knew how Alice loved her surprises.

"No, not a secret. It's just that I don't know yet." I looked at her questioningly. "See, I've been seeing some things, kind of important things, but they're not totally defined yet. The decision hasn't been made, not for sure."

"And what you're seeing requires me to go hiking tomorrow?"

"Basically, yes. Can you play along until I know for certain?"

"Sure, Alice. Hiking it is."

"Excellent. I'll meet you at 9:30, same place we met Jasper the last time." She jumped up and kissed me on the cheek. "Have a good night." She returned to the window and slipped out.

"You too!" I called quietly after her.

The weather in the morning was good by Forks standards: grey and foggy, but with no actual rain. I gave Charlie the excuse of book shopping in Port Angeles. "I'll be home before dinner time," I told him, "or if I'm a little late, dinner's all ready in the fridge." It was Asian chicken salad, something he'd probably grumble about, but I insisted on his eating healthy food at least some of the time.

Alice and Jasper were waiting when I arrived and parked my truck beside their shiny new rental car.

"Right on time!" she said cheerily, running up to hug me.

"Good morning, Bella," Jasper said formally, and I smiled at him.

"Let's get started." Alice led the way along the wide, wood-chip covered trail for about a quarter of a mile, then paused. "We need to leave the path and move that way," she said, pointing. "It might be a little rough for you, Bella."

"I'll be okay." I followed them through the trees, trying to avoid tripping over the heavier underbrush, but after a time they stopped and turned back to me.

"Maybe we should carry you until it clears out a little."

The suggestion startled me. "Carry me?"

"Sure. If you don't mind."

"I guess not."

Jasper smiled, gestured 'if I may,' and picked me up effortlessly. He slung me onto his back. "Hang on," he advised, and began to run. I could see Alice running beside him, easily keeping pace. The wind whistled past my ears, the trees became a blur. I'd forgotten what moving at vampire speed felt like. I hid my eyes against the back of Jasper's shirt.

Although I tried to avoid the memory, travelling this way brought back thoughts of Edward, of being carried by him. The memories started coming at me faster than I could evade them, and when Jasper finally stopped and set me on my feet, tears were running down my face.

"Was I going too fast?" He bent over me, concerned.

"No, no! It was fine. I just..." I shook my head, unable to speak. I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to stop the pain. It wouldn't go away.

"I understand." My feelings must have made things clear to him. "It reminded you of Edward."

I winced at the sound of his name, but nodded. Alice flitted over, putting an arm around my waist. "Poor Bella." She waited while I got control of myself.

"Sorry. It's okay. We can keep walking."

They led me further along, following a slight uphill slope, walking slowly for my sake. The trees became thinner and further apart as we went, until suddenly we emerged from the woods into a clearing. I stopped short and just stared. It was the meadow.

"Alice," I choked. "Why would you...?"

"You needed to be here, Bella. You'll understand..."

"This is just mean!" I turned to leave.

"Bella, please. Just stay a minute or two. It's important." I glared at her, angry and in pain. The memories were overwhelming. "Trust me, Bella."

I did trust her, but this was too much. I gave up arguing and sat down abruptly on the damp grass, curling myself up and trying to keep the hole in my chest from widening dangerously. The place was too full of memories. I scrunched myself into a ball, hiding my face, trying to ride out the waves of pain.

_Bella!_ the voice whispered. I shook my head. Why are you talking to me? I thought. There's nothing dangerous here. _Why are you here?_ the voice asked me.

I raised my head, confused. This didn't sound like my imaginary voice. The voice's one role was to nag me about safety issues. I saw that Alice and Jasper had moved to the opposite side of the meadow, far away from me, and I briefly wondered why. Then I looked to my right.

"Bella."

It was him. Not just his voice, and not imaginary. Edward was there, walking toward me with painfully slow steps, staring at me as if he couldn't believe his eyes. I couldn't believe mine, either. I froze where I sat, watching him approach. My brain was struggling to process data, and I stepped aside and let it.

"Bella, love?" He looked concerned.

"Are you...?" I waited impatiently for my brain to catch up. "You're real?"

He didn't smile. His face, although as beautiful as ever, was taut with stress. "I'm here. I came back." He suddenly began talking rapidly, the words tumbling out of him. "I _had_ to come back, love. I stayed away as long as I could stand it, but... Every day I thought would be the last, that I'd _have_ to see you, but I'd hold out one more day, and then...Alice tried to tell me you were unhappy, but I didn't believe it; I thought she was just trying to get me to return, and I'm so sorry I didn't understand...Then Rosalie phoned me, she told me about Alice's vision, that she'd seen you, miserable and in pain, trying to drown yourself, and I _knew_ Rosalie wouldn't tell me that unless it was true. Then I had an excuse to come back to you, but by then I didn't need an excuse. Every day away from you has been agony. I love you, Bella, more than my own life. I lied to you when I left. There is no way I could ever stop loving you. I lied." He broke off, watching me as I stood stock still, staring at him, finally coming to the conclusion that he wasn't a hallucination.

"I know," I said flatly. He blinked. "I figured it out eventually. And Alice confirmed it for me. You lied."

He paused to take that in. "I'm more sorry than I can tell you, for the pain I put you through. I thought you'd..." He took a step closer. "I thought you'd forget about me, go on with your life." I just stood where I was, still unable to move. "I know, I was wrong. I don't know if there's any way you can forgive me for what I did, for what I put you through."

"I don't know, either." It was true, but I was surprised to hear myself say it. I'd temporarily lost the ability to produce polite half truths.

He nodded, his face bleak. "I understand. But I'll do what I can, Bella, to make it up to you. No matter what it takes. I can't exist without you. Tell me what I can do."

I shook my head. "It doesn't matter now." I finally closed the distance between us, reached out and touched his hand. At that moment, I felt an amazing sensation of well being, something I hadn't experienced in many months. Since Edward had left, to be exact. He took my hand, and from there we both moved as if drawn by magnets, without making any decision to move. My arms went around his neck, and I pressed myself against him, trying to touch as much of him at once as possible; and his arms circled me as well, held me close.

I couldn't let go, and apparently neither could he. We stood there so long, my legs began to get tired. He realized this and scooped me up into his arms, sitting down in the grass and cradling me. We stayed there, staring at each other, barely moving, except when I'd occasionally find his face so breathtaking that I'd have to reach up and touch it, or when he'd sometimes lean over and kiss my forehead, my cheek, the top of my head.

After a long, long time, he raised his head and looked out across the meadow. "Yes," he said quietly. "That's fine. And thank you. I'll speak with you soon."

I looked at him. "Alice and Jasper are leaving," he explained. He quirked a slight smile. "She said, 'My work here is done'."

I smiled back, and turned to where the pair had been seen last. "Thank you," I called out quietly. Edward nodded, letting me know that they'd heard.

"I owe Alice more than I can ever repay," he told me. "I understand she saved your life."

"Yes."

"After you threw yourself from a cliff into the ocean?" His face was full of pain once again. I nodded. "You were actually trying to...?"

"No. Well, not consciously." He looked at me. "I wasn't doing very well without you, either. I was determined to...continue, as well as I could, but I guess I was reaching the end of my rope."

He pulled me closer. "I'm so terribly sorry, Bella."

I took a deep breath before asking the one question that mattered. "Are you staying?"

"Staying? Staying with you?"

"Yes. Your coming back, is it conditional? Are you leaving again? Does it depend on something? Please tell me the truth, Edward. The absolute truth."

"Bella, how can you ask? I'll never leave you again unless you order me away from you. You can't imagine how painful the time apart from you has been."

"Yes, I can."

He took a quick breath. "Yes. I'll never forgive myself for that. I thought it would be different for you. I thought you'd recover quickly, and move on."

"We can talk about all that later. You're not leaving; that's the important thing. If that's true, we have all the time in the world to work out everything else." There were things to work out, I realized, but they could wait. Right now, my heart was beating painlessly in my chest, I could breathe fearlessly, I could move or think or remember what I liked without dreading the outcome. I was well again.

We sat together that way until the sun was low in the afternoon sky. Then Edward carried me back down the mountain, running joyfully and at top speed through the trees and down the trail to where his car waited. He drove me home in my truck, our hands clasped all the way, stopping a block away from Charlie's house. "You should drive the rest of the way alone. I'm not sure we should spring my return on your father just yet."

"Probably not," I agreed. "But..." I still held his hand, feeling a wave of terror at the idea of being away from him, even for the briefest time.

He seemed to understand. "I won't be far. I'll see you in your room."


	9. Reunion

Charlie was home, and I tried to remain patient as I cooked dinner, ate with him, and heard him out on the latest news from the Clearwaters.

"I'm going back over there after dinner," he said. "I promised Sue Clearwater I'd fix the hinge on her front door. I guess Harry used to do that kind of stuff."

"How is she doing?"

"Oh, better, I guess. It takes time to get over something like that." He gave me a quick look, and I could guess his thoughts: more time for some than for others.

I washed the dishes, wrapped up some muffins I'd baked for Charlie to take to the Clearwaters, and saw him off at the front door. Then I dashed upstairs. I paused at my bedroom door, feeling a mild panic at the thought he might not be there. He might have gone back to his original plan, and left again. I took a deep breath and slowly pushed the door open.

He was there, sitting in my rocking chair, and I immediately threw myself at him. He returned my embrace, then pulled me up onto his lap and held me there.

"I was afraid you wouldn't be here," I confessed.

"I told you I would."

"You told me a lot of things." I tried to say it lightly, but he heard the seriousness behind my quip.

"Bella..."

"No, let's not talk about that now. I'm too happy to have you back. I just want to be happy for a little while, and not think about other things."

"Certainly. I'd like that, myself."

We spent a good, long time being happy. We held each other, and felt well and whole again. We murmured to each other about how hard it had been to be apart, and how joyful and right it felt to be together. I reluctantly left for a very quick trip to the bathroom to wash and change for the night, then we repeated the whole experience, first in the rocking chair, then curled up together on the bed.

He..._Edward_ told me about his struggle to stay away, and how he had finally given up and decided to return to Forks and beg me to take him back, when he received that phone call from Rosalie.

"Why would she do that?" I couldn't imagine Rosalie being eager to save me.

"I'm not sure. She didn't see eye to eye with you, but she might have drawn the line at having you drown. Then again, I'm not her favourite person; maybe she liked pointing out how wrong I was, and sending me to clean up my own mess." He pulled me closer. "Alice tried to tell me you weren't moving on the way I'd hoped, but I didn't believe her. I thought she just wanted us back together. I'm so sorry, Bella."

I nestled closer to him, but said nothing. It looked like the time had come to talk about it.

He sighed. "I realize it might take a long time before you can forgive me. Maybe you never can. I don't care, as long as I can be with you. I'll never stop trying to make it all up to you."

"It's not that I can't forgive you, Edward. But...what exactly is it you're apologizing _for_?"

He looked surprised. "For hurting you, of course. For causing you pain."

"But that was just an accidental side effect. You never meant to hurt me. Of course I forgive you for that. But what about the other things you should be sorry for?"

His eyes widened. "What things are those?"

"Lying to me. Breaking your promises and leaving me. Convincing your whole family to leave as well, without a word. Assuming my feelings were so shallow, they'd dissolve effortlessly."

He looked a little shocked. He'd been berating himself and begging forgiveness so hard, it must have been startling to be handed a whole new set of things to be contrite about.

"I don't know where to start." I waited. "I never assumed your feelings were shallow, Bella. I know how deep affection runs in you, even for friends and distant relations. I knew you loved me very deeply; it never ceased to amaze me. All the same, you're human, love. Humans are capable of healing from even the most acute emotional trauma. As hard as it was to leave you in pain, I was confident you'd eventually recover, and go on to live a happy life."

"With someone else."

"Yes. I didn't like to think of that, even though it was also what I hoped for. But as it turns out, I completely misjudged the situation. I misjudged _you_. I truly am sorry I underestimated you in that way."

"It's okay."

"As for the other matters - my only defence is that I did it for your benefit. I only wanted to protect you, and give you a chance at a better life than you could expect if I stayed."

"I know, Edward; but don't you see that your defence isn't really a defence? It might be the worst thing you did to me."

"I don't understand."

"You decided what kind of life I should have, and took the decision out of my hands. Shouldn't I have any say in what counts as a better life for me? You didn't even take my thoughts or feelings into account."

"Bella, love, I have the greatest possible respect for your thoughts and feelings, but, to be perfectly blunt, they're the thoughts and feelings of a human girl of eighteen." He smiled slightly at my indignant look. "At the very least, you must admit your knowledge of vampires was far more limited than mine."

"That's not entirely my fault," I pointed out. "You kept things from me as much as you could."

"Only to protect you from..." He saw me roll my eyes. "Very well; point taken. The fact remains, I have considerably more knowledge of the reality of my kind than you do. I can't regret trying to save you from life with a condemned, soulless creature."

"You know I don't believe that," I said firmly. "And I don't think you do, either."

"Is that so?"

"You not only know right from wrong, you practice it, even when it's a struggle. You protect the weak, with no advantage to yourself. You feel love; not just for me, but for your family. What kind of evil, soulless being does that?"

"You always did tend to see me in an idealistic light."

"Fine, let's look at some other examples. Carlisle, who fought alone for centuries to overcome his instinct to kill; who works to help others even if he has no need to work, even if it hurts him; who loves wisdom and goodness, and most of all humanity.  
>"Or Esme, the kindest, most loving person I've ever met.<br>"Do you honestly believe that all their goodness means nothing? That they've been rejected by God and lost their souls, because of something that wasn't even their own doing? What insane, warped, evil kind of God do you believe in, anyway?"

He didn't reply. "You keep talking about _yourself_ being condemned and soulless. You look me in the eye and tell me that Esme and Carlisle are evil, cast out, without a soul." He just looked at me. "And if they're not, there's no logical reason to assume _you_ are, either." That last sentence sounded convoluted to me, but he seemed to get the point.

He glared at me. "Look me right in the eye," I repeated.

"I'll consider the possibility," he said at last.

"Good."

"And I'll try and see the other question from your point of view. Protecting you is almost instinctive for me; but I understand what you're saying."

"I hope so. It makes me afraid, Edward. You could so easily decide the same thing again. If you decide I'd be safer, or better off, without you, you'd leave again. You'd convince yourself it's the right thing to do."

"I think you're overestimating me again. I wouldn't be _able_ to leave again, Bella. It was all I could do to go away the first time. Being away from you was agony. I couldn't be that selfless again, no matter what the reason. I'll be with you as long as you want me."

"That will be forever." I relaxed into his arms again.

"Until the end of your life," he said softly.

I sat up. "That won't be an issue, if I become like you."

"Bella, please don't start that again."

"You're honestly content to watch me age and die, and to lose me, rather than let me be like you and stay with you forever?"

"Content? No. But it is the best possible..."

"Edward, stop." He looked at me tensely. "We're not going to solve this now. Let's leave it for the time being. We've argued enough for one night."

He smiled at that. "And you're tired. You should sleep."

I readily agreed. I wasn't without a few schemes of my own, and they would keep until the time was right.

In his arms, the sound of his voice surrounding me as he hummed quietly, I fell into a deep, restful sleep. There were no nightmares, only pleasant dreams.


	10. Whole

I slept until eight. I opened my eyes, taking a moment to remember where I was and what had happened. I panicked briefly to find myself alone in my bed; then I saw Edward sitting in the rocking chair. He was wearing a different set of clothes.

"You went out?"

"Yes, for a short while. You were very soundly asleep."

I looked groggily around the room. "School?"

He chuckled. "No, love. It's Sunday, remember?"

"Right. Where did you go?"

"Back to the house."

"Which house?"

"Our former residence." His smile widened. "The family is back."

That woke me up. "Back?"

"All of them. Under the circumstances, they decided they should return to Forks. They assumed - correctly - that I'd be here for the foreseeable future, and wanted to join me. They've forgiven me for my foolishness."

"Well, if they have, I suppose I can." I started getting out of bed, and saw him watching me solemnly. "Yes, I forgive you. With the provisions mentioned earlier."

"That I rethink my, shall we say, pre-emptive approach to your safety?"

"Exactly."

"I'm doing my best."

"Good, then. Is Charlie here?"

"Yes. What's his favourite breakfast?"

"Charlie? Pancakes, I think. Why?"

"You might consider making it for him. He's likely to be in a bad mood."

"Why?"

"He's already heard the news." I raised my eyebrows. "That the Cullens are back in town. That _I'm_ back. He's not happy."

"About you being back?"

"He's furious with me for what I did to you. Understandably. He doesn't want me to see you again."

I frowned. "He'll get over it."

"Possibly. His plan is to bar me from entering the house."

"That will only do so much."

He grinned. "Agreed. He also hopes to convince you not to associate with me."

"That will have even less effect," I said decidedly.

His smile faded. "I don't blame him. I've been seeing his memories, seeing what you were like after I left you. He's afraid I'll hurt you the same way again."

He looked so dismal, I ran to him and climbed into his lap. I almost fell over doing it, and at least that made him smile. He gathered me close, and we sat that way for a time.

"I should go." My arms tightened around him, and he kissed the top of my head. "Not for long. I hope it's all right..." he hesitated, and I looked up at him. "They wanted to see you. Esme is planning to call to invite you and your father over this afternoon."

"Me _and_ Charlie?" That could be awkward.

"Knowing that he'd be working today."

"Oh."

"Do you want to see them?" he asked, looking worried. "Or is it too soon?"

I shook my head. "I'd love to see them."

We managed to say goodbye at last, and he departed out the window. Aware that I would be going visiting later, I tidied myself up, dressed a little less casually than usual, and tied my hair in a neat ponytail. I ran downstairs to find Charlie sitting at the table, drinking coffee and reading the newspaper.

"Good morning," I called out. He mumbled something in return. Edward was right: he didn't look too cheerful, even for Charlie. "How about I make pancakes?"

He grunted something that sounded like assent, and I pulled out a skillet and got busy.

He finally sighed and folded the paper. "I got a call from Billy Black this morning."

"Uh huh." I kept my attention on the batter I was mixing.

"I'm afraid this might be a shock for you, Bells." I looked at him. "It looks like the Cullens are moving back here."

I turned back to the counter. "I heard."

"You did? How?"

"I spoke to Alice yesterday." I wasn't technically lying, I suppose.

"Oh, right."

"And then Edward contacted me last night." He would assume it was by telephone; again, not technically lying.

That didn't go over well, but I knew it had to come up eventually.

"Didn't take him long, did it?" he said.

"He was anxious to apologize." I felt him watching me as I carefully flipped the first batch of pancakes.

"And I suppose you accepted his apology," he said, his disapproval obvious.

"I did, actually."

"Just like that?"

I turned to face him. "Not quite. I raked him over the coals a bit first." I giggled, remembering Edward's shocked face when I listed all the offences he _hadn't_ apologized for.

Charlie's eyes popped open. I think it was the giggle. He probably hadn't heard anything like that from me for a while. He examined me more carefully.

The phone rang. Charlie seemed ready to sit there, staring, so I gestured toward the skillet, indicating I was already occupied. He jumped up and grabbed the receiver. "Hello?"

I started transferring pancakes from the skillet to plates, and started a second batch.

"Hello, Esme," I heard him say. "Yes, I heard. Um, welcome back." He listened for a while, answering only "Yes" or "That's good." Then there was a long pause.

"Well, that's nice of you, but I'm afraid I'm on the day shift. I'll be leaving for work in less than an hour." He paused again. "Oh, Bella? Well..." He looked over at me, frowning. "Sure," he concluded reluctantly, "I'll ask her." He lowered the receiver. "Esme wants to know if you can come by for Sunday dinner. I guess that means midday dinner - around noon."

"Sure, that would be fine," I said calmly, placing the plates on the table. "Tell her thanks for me."

He passed along the message, spoke briefly, and hung up. He sat down heavily at the table across from me. I handed him the maple syrup.

We ate in silence for a few minutes. "Good pancakes," he said.

"Thanks."

"Carlisle's asking for his job back at the hospital. She thinks they'll take him back right away." I nodded. "Not surprising. We're always short of doctors here. Like any small town."

"Right." I was busy. I'd forgotten how much I liked pancakes. Or food in general, for that matter.

He finished his breakfast, looked at me, and took a deep breath. "Listen, Bells. About Edward." He waited a moment, maybe remembering the reaction he used to get when he said that name out loud. "I want you to think about this carefully. That boy, he walked out on you without a second thought. If he did it once, he could just as easily do it again."

I set my fork down. "Dad - it wasn't quite like that. Alice explained some of it to me, and Edward told me the rest. It was kind of a misunderstanding. He thought I'd be better off with someone else, so when his family moved, he took that as a chance to step back and give me other options. He figured if he didn't contact me, I'd move on and find someone better. That was his idea, anyway. Stupid, maybe, but he wasn't _trying_ to be unkind. He thought he was doing me a favour. Alice says he was as miserable as I was, so he asked me to accept his apology and agree to start seeing him again."

Charlie paused to process this, while I took the last pancake from the skillet and added more syrup. "Even so, you don't have to immediately...it might actually be a good idea to keep your options open. I mean..." He stopped talking and just sat, watching me as I quickly devoured my breakfast.

I wiped up the last of the syrup and popped a final huge bite of pancake into my mouth. I noticed him staring. "What?" I asked, my mouth full.

"Nothing. Forget I spoke."

I grinned at him, and he blinked. "If you insist." I put my plate in the sink and went to the cupboard. "I wonder if we have any cocoa mix. I always like hot chocolate with pancakes."

"You always _used_ to," he muttered to himself. "I guess you do again."

"What's that?" I started heating milk on the stove.

"Nothing. I've got to get to work."

"Okay, Dad." I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. "Have a good day." I smiled at him, not to preserve a mask but just because I felt like it, and he smiled back.

"You too, Bells." He closed the door quietly behind him.

I hurried through my chores and finished up as much weekend homework as I could, hoping to leave the afternoon and evening as free as possible. At 11:30 I climbed in my truck and started down the highway toward the Cullen house. I had surprisingly little trouble finding it. I parked in the drive, feeling a little shy. It had been a long time since I'd seen them all. At least Edward and Alice would be there; that would help.

The door opened before I could knock, and Alice grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me inside. "Hi again!" she trilled, hugging me just a little bit too hard.

"Hi, Alice." I looked around. Edward was at my side instantly, taking my hand. The rest of the family were standing here and there around the room. "Hi," I said shyly.

Esme rushed up to me. "Bella, dear, it's _so_ good to see you again." She hugged me gently and kissed me on the cheek.

"It's wonderful to see you too, Esme. Thank you for inviting me," I remembered to say.

"You're always welcome here."

Carlisle stepped forward to greet me, and the rest followed suit. Emmett swept me up in a hug that lifted me well off my feet, causing Edward to tense visibly beside me. Even Rosalie was friendly enough, taking my hand and giving me a brief smile and a "welcome back."

I'd wondered if the invitation to dinner was merely an excuse to give Charlie for having me visit, but it turned out to be all too real. Alice led me into the kitchen, where the family, with great fanfare and sometimes at dizzying speed, set out a sumptuous meal for my sole benefit. "Oh, this is too much!" I said, embarrassed. "And I'm the only one here who eats!"

"We wanted to do it, Bella," Esme insisted. "Please, enjoy."

I sat down at the kitchen table, where I was systematically fed antipasta, baked ziti and sausage, field greens with balsamic vinegar dressing, and cheesecake with fresh raspberries. The meal was concluded with cola on ice, presented by Jasper with an elaborate formality that made me laugh. The conversation remained light during the meal, but at one point a silence fell. They all seemed to be waiting.

"Bella," Carlisle began, drawing my attention, "some of us have already apologized for their part in our decision to leave. Let me tell you how sorry I am for our sudden departure, and even more for the effect it had on your life. I deeply regret the action, and hope you can forgive me for my misguided undertaking."

The others chimed in, apologizing for leaving me behind. "No hard feelings?" Emmett asked, extending his hand.

"None at all." I shook hands with him, my own hand swallowed up by his enormous paw. "I'm so happy to be with you all again."

"Especially Edward?" Emmett laughed.

"Especially, but not_ just_ Edward." I was hugged all over again. We moved into the living room, where the conversation became typically lively, and I learned more about where the family had gone and what they'd been doing since September. It was a wonderful visit. I clung to Edward's hand almost every minute I was there, feeling an overpowering need to stay in contact with him, and he held mine as insistently.

The family asked me to have dinner there and stay for the evening, but I had to go home and fix Charlie's dinner. I didn't want to abandon him completely, especially when Edward's return was causing him some distress. I was hugged and kissed goodbye and urged to come back soon, and Edward drove me home in his Volvo, Alice following in my truck. They accompanied me into the house.

Charlie was in the living room, catching sports highlights on television and drinking something cold. "Hi Dad," I called to him. He looked up with a smile, which faded slightly when he saw Edward and Alice.

"Hi there, Alice. Um, Edward." He turned back to me. "I wasn't sure if you'd be back for dinner."

"Sure, I wouldn't leave you high and dry. I'll get started." I headed for the kitchen and began peeling potatoes. Edward and Alice kept me company, Alice telling stories about the school she'd been attending in 'Los Angeles,' and soon we were all laughing.

Charlie moved to the kitchen doorway to watch; he seemed fascinated by the sight of me, laughing. "I was going to ask," he began. We looked over at him. "Would you two like to stay for dinner?"

"Oh, thanks, Charlie," Alice said, "but our parents are expecting us back."

"Okay. Some other time." He shifted his attention to Edward. "So. You're back for good."

"Yes, sir."

Charlie glared at him for only a second before returning to the living room. "Crisis averted?" I whispered to Edward.

"I think so," he whispered back. "He's worried, but he's too relieved to see you happy again to object."

I nodded. "Poor Charlie. He's been through a lot." Edward and Alice both chose that moment to give me a hug.

They said goodbye a few minutes later and drove back in Edward's car. I kissed Edward goodbye at the door, mostly to clarify things for Charlie. I knew I'd be seeing Edward again later that evening. That knowledge kept me cheerful throughout dinner, dishes, a brief homework session, and a courtesy viewing of the sports network with Charlie.

I finally said goodnight and ran upstairs. He was already there: my own personal miracle. I hurried to him and took his hand, luxuriating in the overwhelming sense of well-being that filled me the second we touched. I was whole again.


	11. Disagreements

We spent the first hour or so in quiet talk. I heard Charlie check the locks on the front and back doors, and walk slowly upstairs. Edward disappeared briefly as Charlie opened the door to check on me, then retreated across the hall. The door to Charlie's bedroom closed, and we both stayed quiet until Edward could confirm he was asleep.

He lay down next to me on the bed, myself wrapped in covers, he on the outside, just like...before. He gently stroked my hair, and I nestled close to him and eventually lifted my head to kiss him. We fell back into our familiar, bedtime makeout routine pretty effortlessly. It was still wonderful, but somehow felt a little more intense than before our separation. My heart was tapping away rapidly by the time Edward sighed and drew back, suggesting I get some sleep.

"It's early," I protested, knowing it was probably futile.

"You have school in the morning."

"It seems so odd. It seems like years have gone by since Friday. So much has happened, but it's only been one weekend."

"A fairly momentous weekend, for me at least."

"And for me." I yawned, and he smiled and settled me more comfortably beside him.

"Sleep, love. I'll be right here with you."

I did sleep, very soundly and without any disruption from bad dreams.

I woke suddenly in the middle of the night, needing to use the bathroom. I returned, checking my bedside clock. 2:53. I felt, for the moment, wide awake. I was used to having my sleep broken by nightmares.

"Can't sleep?" he asked.

"Not right now." I got up and wandered to my desk. "_This_ should put me back to sleep." I took out my college application forms.

"What is it?" He followed me to the desk. I showed him.

"Where are you applying?" he asked, flipping through the stack. "How about trying for Dartmouth?"

"Dartmouth? Why on earth would I do that? I can't get into someplace like Dartmouth. And I couldn't afford it anyway."

"That wouldn't be a problem."

I frowned at him. "How do you figure?"

"The family could help." I rolled my eyes. "Bella, we were talking about moving to New Hampshire after we leave Forks. Which wouldn't be that far off, you know. We have to leave before people start noticing our age, or lack of age."

"Oh."

"Of course, we were all hoping you'd come with us. Being a Dartmouth student would be a perfect pretext for going there. If you prefer to attend college elsewhere, naturally I'll go with you, wherever it might be. But the family would like to have you around if possible."

"I'd like to be with them too. But I'm hoping it won't matter too much where I get accepted. I won't be able to attend college if I've been recently changed, right?"

His expression hardened. "Bella, don't tell me you're starting this again!"

"I'm not starting again. I never stopped."

"You don't know what you're asking, Bella. You truly want your life to end before it's begun?"

"I want my life to continue as long as yours does." He gave me an exasperated growl. "So your plan is to let me age and eventually die. Assuming I don't get killed by a car or a disease, or my own clumsiness, long before then. And you're fine with that."

"Not _fine_, love, no. But at least you'd live out your time. It's better than stealing your human life."

"And what happens to _you_ at that point?"

He hesitated, and said quietly, "I'd follow after as soon as I could find a way."

I stared at him, horrified. "This is just plain crazy, Edward! This is..._sick_!"

"It's the only way," he said firmly. "I can't let you..."

"Can't _let_ me," I began, but broke off mid-rant. I went to my dresser and started pulling out clothing.

"What are you doing?"

"Getting ready to go out." I tiptoed to the bathroom, dressed, and returned.

"Go where?" he asked as I stepped back through the bedroom door.

"Your place. I want to talk to your family." I started pulling my shoes on.

"At this time of night?"

"Why not? Because I'll wake everyone?"

"But why right now?"

"No time like the present." I stood up, ready. "Are you coming with me?"

"Your truck will probably wake Charlie. Not to mention the rest of the neighbourhood."

"That can't be helped. I'll have to come up with an explanation later."

He looked resigned. "We could go without the truck."

"That _would_ be quieter. Not to mention faster."

I thought he'd at least go through the front door first, but he picked me up in his arms and climbed through the window. "You're going to jump?" I squeaked.

"Don't worry, love. You won't be hurt."

"Okay." I squeezed my eyes shut and clung tightly to him as I felt the sensation of dropping, but managed to keep from screaming. I opened my eyes to find myself beside the house. I had barely felt the landing.

Edward shifted me onto his back and began to run. He seemed to be moving faster than ever, but I didn't find it frightening, only exhilarating. I buried my face in his neck and simply enjoyed the sensation of speeding effortlessly through the warm night. He slowed as we approached the house, finally stopping a few yards away and setting me back on my feet.

"Do you mind telling me what this is about?"

"You'll find out soon enough." I tried to sound determined, but I was mostly nervous.

A light flicked on as we entered. Alice and Jasper were standing near the staircase as though waiting for us. "Saw you decide to come. I told the others," Alice said. "They'll be down in a minute."

"Hello, Bella."

"Hi, Jasper." I looked up at Edward. He was staring at Alice, his face becoming grim. I assumed he was learning my intentions from her.

The family flitted downstairs one by one, and greeted me. Carlisle arrived last of all. "Welcome, Bella," he said. "Given the hour, I assume this is not merely a social call?"

"No," I said. "I'd like to talk to all of you, if you don't mind. It's kind of important."

"Of course." He led the way into the dining room. He drew out a chair for me and sat down at my left. The others took their places around the table, Edward to my right. Carlisle nodded to me. I tried to quell my nervousness, and felt Edward take my hand. That helped. I decided to just plunge in and do the best I could.

"Yesterday, when I came here to see you, it was wonderful. You can't imagine how I missed you."

"We missed you too, Bella," Alice said.

"We all did," Carlisle confirmed. "We were overjoyed to have you with us again."

"I felt the same way. It was like being reunited with my family."

Esme reached over and pressed my hand. "You _are_ part of our family, Bella."

I struggled to find the right words, and finally just said, "No." I hesitated, reluctant to speak freely.

Jasper murmured, "She's worried about offending us, I think."

"Don't be concerned, Bella," Carlisle urged me. "Say whatever you need to. We won't take offence."

I bit my lip nervously. "I'm sorry, but I'm _not_ part of your family. I'd love to be, but I'm not."

"Why do you say that?" Esme asked.

"Let me ask you something. Would you all agree to do the same to another family member - leave without warning? Lie to him about the reason? Disappear and give him no way to find or contact you?"

They looked at each other. "Clearly, we would not," Jasper said.

"No, of course not." I hastily added, "I don't mean you thought nothing of leaving me behind. I don't want to diminish how close I've become to all of you, and how much you've done for me already, not for one second. But I'm not part of your family, not really. I understood that when you all disappeared."

"Alice told us how you reacted to it," Carlisle said quietly. "To Edward's absence, primarily, but also to all of ours."

"We didn't want to go, really," Emmett added. "But Edward was so sure it was the right thing."

"Yes, I know," I sighed. "Edward can be an idiot about some things."

Emmett guffawed at that, and several of them smiled. Even Rosalie. I squeezed Edward's hand, letting him know I loved him even when he was being idiotic.

Esme looked over at me. "We've put you through a terrible experience, Bella. Is there any way we can make this up to you?"'

"Yes. There is." I saw the surprise on their faces. I braced myself. "You can do the same for me as you did for Edward."


	12. Taking a Stand

There was a pause. "Do what, exactly?" Carlisle asked.

"Edward asked you to take a drastic step that would affect me, decide my future, without consulting me. You accepted his argument that it was for my own good, dismissing any ideas I might have about what was best. You followed the action he recommended, giving me no input into the decision." I took a deep breath. "I want you to do that for me, now."

They were all watching me closely. Carlisle spread his palms, asking for more explanation.

"I want you to agree to make me part of your family for real. To change me and make me one of you."

Edward was growling under his breath. I saw him exchange a look with Carlisle before he began speaking. "You know that's out of the question. We've talked about this."

"Excuse me," I cut in, "but part of this request is that they ignore your opinion, the way you did mine."

"What is this, Bella?" he asked tensely. "Retribution?"

"No! Not at all. I'm just trying to do what I think is right, for both of us. _And_ make sure you can never pull such a crazy, bone-headed move again." I heard snickers from across the table.

"I have to say," Jasper remarked, "there is a wonderful symmetry to the idea." Edward glared at him. He was getting a lot of glaring in.

"In all fairness, Bella," Carlisle said, "as mistaken as Edward may have been about leaving, he gave apparently valid reasons for doing so. He convinced us it was in your own best interests."

"Yes, and I can give valid reasons to support _my_ side."

Edward huffed impatiently, but Carlisle said calmly, "Go on."

I felt my nervousness decrease, my thoughts become more orderly, and I shot Jasper a grateful look. "First of all, there's the question of the family's safety, and mine. I understand it's against a law of some kind, to reveal yourselves to any human. I'm not clear on how likely it is that you'll be found out, and that the law will be enforced - mostly because I've been kept in the dark about things like that." I glanced at Edward, who was staring ahead, his face expressionless. "I assume that changing me would place you on the right side of the law again, and eliminate whatever risk might be involved."

"Yes, that's correct," Carlisle nodded.

"Okay. It would benefit the family by eliminating the risk of, um, prosecution. That's point number one."

"Excellent. What's point number two?" Emmett asked. He was clearly enjoying this.

"That it would be the best thing for Edward." He started to speak, but I interrupted him. "Remember, I'm asking to unilaterally decide what's best for _you_ this time around." I turned back to the others. "But I think I can demonstrate that this choice really would be for Edward's benefit, even necessary to his safety. Edward intends to keep me human, stay with me throughout my human lifetime, then, when I die, find a way to destroy himself."

"I thought so," Carlisle said softly. "I couldn't see it ending any other way."

"Changing me, then, would not only give me what I want, it would keep Edward alive and well."

There was a short silence while they seemed to reflect. They were all taking me seriously, at least; I could see that. "Third?" Emmett asked, no longer smiling.

"That Edward would be happier. It stands to reason. We could be together, not only more permanently, but together for real, like all of you are able to be. In the long run, he would be happy, in spite of himself."

"He would," Alice said confidently. "Blissfully happy, in fact." Edward gave her a murderous look.

"Fourth point?" Emmett asked.

"Fourth - well, it seems kind of forward to suggest this," I said, "but I _believe_ it would be nice if I could be a real part of the family. Nice for you as well, I mean. It would certainly be easier for you if you didn't have to deal with all the human stuff."

"She could play baseball with us," Emmett pointed out.

"Anything else?" Carlisle asked me.

"No, I think that's it, except that I hope you'll consider what I'm asking and vote on it, or however you decide these things." I leaned back in my chair, feeling drained. I turned to Edward, and to my relief he met my eyes. He was upset, but he wasn't angry with _me_. He still held my hand in his.

Carlisle scanned the table. "Any discussion?"

"She's got _me_ convinced," Emmett said, giving me a grin. Rosalie, I noticed, didn't glare at him, or even look his way. She seemed more solemn than the others, listening intently to the debate but not participating.

"I was convinced before she ever came here," Alice said. "I mean before she came here for the first time, last year. I saw her as one of us, as part of our family, before I ever met her. The vision hasn't changed, and it's a good vision. I want it to come true." She looked at Edward. "It's good for Bella too, Edward. I see her being happy." Edward met her eyes for a second before looking away again.

Esme sighed. "I understand Bella's request, but I'm uneasy about agreeing to it when Edward is so strongly opposed. I hate the idea of pitting them against each other."

"If we do agree to do this, what would be the timing?" Jasper asked.

"You mean, exactly when Bella would be transformed?" Carlisle asked him.

"Yes. There are difficulties that have to be managed. Not least of which, we have to make the daughter of the local police chief disappear without arousing suspicion. It gets much easier if we have some control over the timeline."

Carlisle turned to me. "Bella, do you feel strongly about that issue, one way or another?"

I shook my head. "As long as it's not too far into the future - preferably no more than a year - I'm flexible. I'd like to cause my parents as little grief as possible, that's all. I know there are complications, and obviously I'd accept your guidance on when and where."

Jasper nodded, apparently satisfied. "I'll only add that I feel Bella would be an asset to the family." I looked down at the table uncertainly, surprised by his comment.

"Am I going to have no say in the matter at all?" Edward fumed.

"Nope," I answered shortly. There was some stifled laughter around the table. "Well, you get one vote, same as everybody else." I caught Edward's indignant look. "Edward, everybody knows how you feel about this. The whole move to 'Los Angeles' was based on your opinion. Now it's _my_ turn."

It was silent then, until Carlisle spoke. "If there is nothing further, let us put the matter to a vote."

Rosalie looked up. "We don't usually..." she began, and broke off.

"On this occasion, I think it would be helpful to follow Bella's suggestion. Even if it is not final, a vote would be helpful in establishing where we all stand. Let's proceed. Bella, would you like to call the roll?"

I was flustered by the request, but tried to summon the necessary self-assurance. "Um, sure." I turned to my right. At least Edward would get the _first_ vote, even if not the only one. "Edward? Do you want me to be part of your family?"

"Not like this," he ground out. "You're staying human."

I nodded calmly and moved along the table. "Alice?"

"Yes, absolutely." She grinned at me, and I couldn't help smiling back.

"Jasper?"

"Yes." There was no hesitation. Was he merely voting with Alice?

"Emmett?"

"Yeah, for sure. The sooner the better."

I gulped. "Rosalie?"

She was looking very serious. "I don't know."

"Was there something you wanted to discuss further, Rosalie?" Carlisle asked her. "Something you wanted clarified?"

"No, I understand what's involved. It's just impossible to decide." She frowned down at her folded hands.  
>"It seems to me what Bella is asking for isn't right." Rosalie seemed to be talking this through for herself, more than speaking to the others. "She's not facing imminent death, like most of us were. She could go on living, have a real life, be a wife and mother, grow old along with her family. It seems wrong to take that away from her.<br>"On the other hand, she's asking for this of her own free will. Refusing would be taking the choice out of her hands.  
>"And yet, being human is all about having choices. Changing her would eliminate most of those choices.<br>"But Bella knows what she's asking, as well as anyone can. Doesn't she have every right to decide for herself?" She shook her head.

"How do you vote, Rosalie?" Carlisle asked her quietly.

"I can't. I have to abstain, I suppose. I can't choose." She looked at me for the first time. "For the reasons I gave. _Not_ because I have any reluctance to accept you as a sister." She gave me a faint smile. "If anything, your mutiny against the reign of Edward recommends you highly."

"Thanks, Rosalie," I said soberly, and moved along. "Esme?"

She looked troubled. "I almost want to abstain as well. I wish there was a way you two could come to an agreement without all this. But if that's impossible...I have to vote yes." She faced Edward sadly. "Edward, I'm sorry. I can't risk losing you. And I don't want to risk losing Bella, either. She's right: we haven't been able to make her a true member of the family, not yet; but I still love her like a daughter."

"Thank you, Esme," I said. I felt tears sting my eyes, and instantly felt Esme at my side, hugging me carefully.

"I meant every word, dear." She kissed my forehead and returned to her place beside Carlisle.

I hesitated before asking Carlisle. I knew his vote counted more than any of the others, possibly more than all of them. I turned to him, but his eyes were fixed on Edward, apparently trying to communicate something to him. I felt Edward tense beside me. "Carlisle?" I said in a whisper.

He sighed deeply. "I agree with Esme. I would much prefer to see it settled by mutual agreement. I wanted this to be decided between the two of you. But given the circumstances, I am forced to vote in favour of Bella's proposal."

"That brings us to a practical question," Jasper said. "There are only two members of the family qualified to safely provide Bella with what she requests. If Edward refuses to participate..." He looked across the table at Carlisle.

Edward stood and stalked out of the room. I tried to ignore his departure and focus on the discussion.

"This is asking a lot, I realize," I said to Carlisle, "but accepting my request doesn't mean anything unless someone will agree to actually carry it out. If Edward does refuse, are you willing?"

His eyes were on Edward's empty place. "Yes. If it comes to that, I'll do as you ask."

A loud, metallic, wrenching sound could be heard from the back of the house. "Not one of the cars, surely?" Esme asked.

Alice shook her head. "A garage door."

Esme grimaced disapprovingly. "We'll have to have it professionally repaired. I suppose we'll need to claim someone drove into it."

"I'll volunteer," Alice offered cheerily. "People are always willing to believe I'm a bad driver."

Edward returned, looking sullen but under control. I cautiously reached my hand in his direction, and he took it in his own without hesitation. "_If_ I may be allowed to contribute?" he said, glancing at me. I nodded, giving him a smile which he _almost_ returned. He faced Carlisle. "At the very least, we should delay until after Bella's graduation. We could avoid having her simply disappear. She would be expected to move out of her father's house at that point, possibly to attend college. It would help in keeping things inconspicuous."

I could see several of them nodding in agreement. "That seems only reasonable," Carlisle said. "Bella?"

"Yes, I can agree to that. But after I've graduated and moved out...?"

"You have my word." Carlisle's eyes went to Edward. I saw Edward nod almost imperceptibly, his face relaxing slightly. He didn't seem happy, exactly, but he was calm.

"Can I take you home now?" Edward asked. "Before your father wakes up and finds you missing?"

"Yes." I stood up, and paused to address the group. "Thank you," I told them. "For wanting to keep me. I feel exactly the same about all of you."

I was hugged and kissed by several. Rosalie gave me the ghost of a smile, and Emmett slapped the back of my head several times, apparently as an expression of goodwill. I followed Edward outside, where he bundled me onto his back without a word, and ran back home.

It was still blackest night when Edward carried me back through my bedroom window. I was surprised at how little time had elapsed. I returned to the bathroom, where I changed back into my pyjamas, and joined him on the bed. He sat upright, watching me closely. He seemed prepared to talk.

Unfortunately, all the excitement, combined with the late hour, hit me at once, and I felt overwhelmingly sleepy. I yawned and climbed into bed, giving him a quick kiss and settling into his arms without even making my usual boundary-pushing attempt.

All was quiet for perhaps two minutes before Edward spoke. "I suppose you're very pleased with yourself."

I smiled without opening my eyes. "Under the circumstances, I think I should be."


	13. Compromise

Edward didn't mention the meeting, or the decisions made there, the next day, or the day after. I didn't bring the matter up. Maybe he was gradually coming to accept the prospect, and I didn't want to rock the boat.

He was with me every night. He left before Charlie woke up, arriving back in his Volvo in time to drive me to school. "Back to the usual routine, I guess," Charlie remarked grumpily. "That didn't take long." He hadn't taken any action beyond glowering at Edward, but I suspected he was plotting.

Edward was back at school, and as before, in most of my classes. After school, he'd run errands with me, take me for a drive, stop to take a walk on one of the less challenging park trails, until it was time for me to go home and make dinner. He dropped me off and left at that point, supposedly to go home for his own meal, and usually returned just as I was starting on the dishes. I washed and he dried, then we did our homework - at least, I did mine, and he helped; he probably finished his own in class - and talked together at the kitchen table until around 9:00, when Charlie started dropping hints about the time. Edward said goodnight at the door, and left in his Volvo. It was outwardly a pleasant but dull daily routine, but to me, and I think to Edward, it was glorious. We were together again, and everything we did together seemed tinged with joy.

On the Friday after my meeting with the Cullens, we followed our usual pattern. Once Edward had left for the evening, I joined Charlie in the living room, where he was cleaning his gun over some old newspapers. "I hear Dr. Cullen got accepted back at the hospital," he said.

I let him think this was breaking news. "Yeah? You said he probably would."

He worked in silence for a minute. "So they're all back for good."

"Yes. At least, until Edward and Alice leave for college."

"College. Right. Everybody'll be going to college in the fall." He glanced at me. "You're still sending in applications?"

"Sure, although I'm starting to hit deadlines. The more I send, the better chance I have of getting accepted at one of them."

He shrugged. "Your grades are good, especially this year."

"I'm sure I'll get in somewhere."

"Oh, sure." He added casually, "Do you know where Edward's going?"

I could see the gears turning. He figured Edward and I would be headed to different colleges in a few months, saving him the trouble of trying to separate us. "Dartmouth was his first choice, I think."

"Oh." He nodded, keeping his eyes on his work. "Good, good. That's a fine school."

I said goodnight, kissed him on the cheek and ran up to my room.

I brushed my teeth, showered, washed my hair, and changed into my pyjamas. My room was still empty, so I curled up in my rocking chair with a book. I heard Charlie check the locks, climb the stairs and go into his own room. Twenty minutes later, I heard a faint sound and looked up to find Edward standing there.

"Bella."

"Hey!" I jumped up to kiss him. He smiled and put his arms around me, giving me a fairly bountiful three or four minutes before gently removing my arms from around his neck and stepping back with a sigh. I rested my forehead against his shoulder a moment, trying to catch my breath. My chemically suppressed libido seemed to have made a full recovery.

We sat down together on the bed. "Is everything well with you?"

"Sure. My homework is getting done in record time, thanks to you."

"You're doing the work yourself. I'm merely acting as a facilitator. No, I was wondering if you were having any trouble with Charlie."

"Why?"

"He was trying to decide the best way to discourage my presence."

"I thought so. But he heard tonight that you're probably going to Dartmouth in the fall, and that seemed to calm him down."

"He's assuming there's no way you could be going there as well?"

"No. Well, I wouldn't be - not in the normal course of things." I narrowed my eyes suspiciously.

He grinned. "Maybe you should fill out an application. Just in case."

"I suppose I could. Like you said, it would give me a pretext for moving to New Hampshire."

His smile vanished. "It wouldn't have to be only a pretext."

"You know I won't be fit to attend college right away."

"You could attend for your freshman year, at least. Just to have the experience." I crossed my arms and looked at him sternly. "Bella, can't you consider waiting, at least for a year or two? Just to be sure of your decision?"

"You mean, to give _you_ time to find a way to prevent it."

"There doesn't seem to be much I can do to prevent it."

"Is it really so terrible?" I burst out. "I want to be with you forever. Really be with you, be part of your life. Why isn't that important to _you_?"

"Of course it's important to me! I'm just afraid the price may be too high."

"The price of my soul? You still believe that, honestly?"

"I...don't know. I _did_ take your observations on that subject to heart, and I admit you made a compelling case. I have to think it over a while longer."

"Fair enough."

"But there's another price. Your life is just beginning. So many possibilities would be closed to you, once you made this decision. A real human life, with your parents and your friends. The chance to be a mother - doesn't _that_ mean anything to you, at least?"

"I've barely thought about it."

"I suppose that's to be expected, at your age. But what if it becomes important to you later, when it's no longer possible?"

I was getting tired of this, honestly. "So you're suggesting, what? That I stay with you, but go find some guy to get me pregnant, on the off chance that motherhood will one day be important to me?"

He looked a little offended. "I didn't say that."

"Or that I leave you, marry someone else - as long as he's human and fertile - and never see you again?"

"If you chose that, love, if it allowed you to have the life you wanted, I would accept it."

"I _have_ chosen the life I want, but you _won't_ accept it!" I reminded myself to keep my voice down. "We can't be apart. _That's_ too high a price to pay, even if having children really was all that important to me. What about you?" I challenged him. "Suppose you had the opportunity to be a father, but in order to have that you'd need to leave me forever. Would you do it?"

"It's not the same." I snorted derisively. "It's not! You're human _now_, full of potential. I hate taking that away from you. It would be the most selfish thing I'd ever done." He bent his head sadly. "If I could become human for you, I would, Bella, no matter what price I had to pay."

My anger dissolved, and I reached out and touched his tousled head, running my hand through his hair. "But you can't, Edward," I said softly. "You can't come to me; I can only go to you. But you have to _let_ me." I cradled his head against my chest. "Is there really no other reason you're fighting this?"

He shifted, looking up at me. "What other reason could there be?"

"Maybe...I don't know, you could be worried you won't feel the same about me, after I'm changed."

He sat up. "Bella, I will always feel the same about you. I'll always love you. Why would that change?"

"You have such a low opinion of yourself, of what you are. You're a monster, something evil. Maybe you love me, at least partly, _because_ I'm human. Would you still love me if I was an evil monster, too?"

He seemed startled, and didn't speak for several seconds. "I could never think of you that way."

"That's what I'd be, Edward."

"I know, but..." He frowned, and seemed to be thinking furiously. "You'd still be Bella. You could never be evil, or a monster; not to me."

"Then you should be able to understand that I feel the same way about _you_."

He was silent a long time. I reached for him, and he let himself be pulled into my arms again. I stroked his hair, and waited.

"So you're perfectly content with this decision? You have no concerns at all?"

"Of course I have concerns, Edward. I'm not going into this blindly, whatever you may think. I know I'll be giving up a lot. I worry about my mom and Charlie. And I'm afraid of the pain. But it's the price I have to pay for us to be together. I _am_ content with that."

"Then I have only one request; one thing I would like you to do for me, before it happens." He moved out of my arms and sat up, facing me, his expression serious.

"What is it?"

"Marry me first."

"You're joking, right?"

"Bella, you're doing very little for my morale. I just proposed to you."

"You're _not_ joking!"

"Certainly not." He took in my horrified look. "Is it really so appalling? You've just finished telling me you'd do anything to be with me forever."

"It's not being with you that's the problem. It's _marriage_. It never even occurred to me..." The concept of marriage I'd grown up with, the snide jokes and dismissive remarks, flooded through my mind.

"You've honestly never thought about it, in the time you've known me?"

"No, never." My curiosity got the better of me. "Have you?"

"Often. But it was only a fantasy. I didn't think it would ever be possible."

"You thought about you and me...getting _married_?"

He smirked. "You say that word as if it were something criminal."

"That's kind of how I think of it." He looked puzzled. "I was brought up by a very anti-marriage mother," I explained. "She changed her mind after she met Phil, but by then my indoctrination was complete. And it was kind of sustained by all the vicious divorces and greedy trophy wives and stupid celebrity marriages I can't help but be aware of. It's such an ugly thing, a lot of the time."

"But there's no reason to expect it would be like that for us."

"No, I don't believe for one second it would, but even so...it's just not a nice concept to me."

"I see." He studied me a moment. "Is this something you think you can overcome?"

"I don't know. Maybe if I absolutely _had_ to."

"It's very important to me, Bella."

"Why?" He started to smile, and I cut him off. "No, I'm not asking you to flatter me and tell me why you want to marry _me_. I really want to know why it's so important to you. We'll be together in any case."

"I understand. Well...I suppose it's partly because I was brought up in a different time. When I was a young man, marriage was seen as something sacred and beautiful. It was an act of love; accepting someone as your partner in life, not only privately, but before the whole world. Marriage vows were taken seriously, and meant to be permanent and binding. It was a bold step, one that only genuine love would provide the courage to take."

I was captivated in spite of myself. This was something dear to his heart, clearly.

"More than anything, I would love to be able to exchange vows with you, to make you my wife - now, while you're still human."

I tried to pull myself together. "Why now, rather than after the change?"

"Because now, you still have other options. If you choose to marry me now, it's a genuine choice, and I know you've accepted me fully, and of your own free will. You can see, I'm sure, why that would be important to me."

"It wouldn't be a real choice after I'm changed?"

I could see him hesitate. "It's hard to explain. The couples in my family, they're utterly devoted to each other. It's part of their nature. Their love for each other never decreases. It's frozen in place, you might say. It's burned into them. That's the way I feel for you: when I fell in love with you, it became part of me, something that could never change. It will be like that for you."

"And you want me to agree to marry you while...while I have the option of refusing you, at least theoretically?"

"Yes. I know it's asking a great deal, especially in view of your distaste for marriage, but I _am_ asking, Bella." He took my hand in his. "If I'm to adopt your idea that my kind are not evil, that we possess a soul, it matters to me that our union will be blessed. It's the one thing that would allow me to accept your change with an easy mind."

That made me sit up and take notice. "You could accept my decision if we were..._married_ first?" I tried to suppress the revulsion in my voice as I said it.

"Yes."

"And you could change me yourself, instead of having Carlisle do it."

"I could. Is that important to you?"

"Very." I hadn't realized it until that moment, but it was. "It means you really do accept my decision; that you really want me with you forever."

"And your agreeing to marry me means the same to me."

I gulped. It was hard to refuse, under the circumstances. "So, we'd have to have a, a wedding?" I didn't like the word _wedding_ much more than _marriage_.

He chuckled. "I don't care what kind. Simple or elaborate; it's entirely up to you."

"Simple," I said quickly. "Definitely simple."

"We can work out the practical details later," he said, taking my other hand as well. "First, I think there's something I have to do, or rather, to do properly." He stood, still holding my hands, and dropped to his knees beside the bed.

"Ohh, crap!" I exclaimed, realizing what he was intending to do.

"Shh. Please try to take my view of this, Bella, at least for a moment." I sat there, agitated but quiet. "Bella Swan, you are the woman I've waited all my life to find. Having you as my wife would be the greatest joy I could imagine. I promise to love you as long as I live. Will you marry me, Bella?"

He looked up at me and I stared back into his amber eyes. His words didn't remind me of any of the bad things I associated with marriage. There was nothing contrived or jaded about them. They made me see things, at least for the moment, from his perspective, the perspective of a sweet, idealistic seventeen year old boy who loved me with all his heart. He was asking me to declare my love for him before the world; to have the courage to take that bold step with him. There was only one possible answer to such a request.

"Yes."


	14. Epilogue

At my request, no rings were offered and no announcements made for the time being. Edward was ecstatic over my acceptance, to a degree that would have been adorable in other circumstances. He used words like _engaged_ and _fiancee_ and _marriage_ and _bride_ far more often than I was comfortable with. However, he agreed to keep our plans a secret while I got used to the idea.

"I have to say something to Alice," he told me. "Otherwise, she'll see it coming, and tell everyone."

"Oh, fine. Tell Alice. But ask her to keep it to herself for now."

Alice did, in fact, keep my secret, but was unable to control her enthusiasm when we were away from the family. She took to visiting me on weekends and spending time with me in my room, where I had to endure some unrestrained bridal talk. She didn't understand my reluctance.

"I'm just not ready for this, Alice. I've never thought about getting married, and it's kind of a weird idea for me. And weddings make me queasy. All the fuss, the poofy dress, the embarrassing toasts, the _attention_!"

She laughed. "You face being changed into a vampire without a qualm, but walking down the aisle in a white dress - _eek_!" I shrugged. "Maybe you need preparation. The more you know what to expect, the less afraid you'll be, right?"

"Right," I agreed. But her comment had made me think of something else; another request I wanted to make before going through with the wedding.

I spoke to Edward about it that night, after he'd come through my window and we were settled together on my bed. _And_ after we'd indulged in all the kissing he was going to allow for that night. I was greedier since he'd come back, for some reason. I lay quietly for a minute, trying to calm down. It had already crossed my mind that weddings were usually followed by a honeymoon of some kind, and I was considering the possibilities. I might, down the road, make a proposal of my own, but only after my plans and my strategy had been fully formed.

I turned on my side to face Edward. He smiled, touching my cheek. "What is going through your mind? You look concerned."

"Not exactly. I wanted to ask for your help with something."

"Anything."

I smiled at the predictable reply. "I was thinking about what will be happening soon. After we're...married."

He laughed. "You're getting better at saying that."

"Practice, practice. But about afterwards. When I'm changed, and the time immediately following that."

His face grew serious. "You're concerned about that?"

"Well, it's just that I realized how little I know about it, about what to expect. I think it would be easier if I had some advance preparation."

"It's not really possible to prepare yourself for the experience, love. The pain is...well, it can't really be dealt with. It can only be endured, and waited out." He looked distressed, and put an arm around me protectively.

I gulped. "Yes, well...I didn't mean the change itself so much. I meant what comes after. I don't know that much about life as a vampire. How things work, what I'll feel like. Especially, what I have to do to keep from hurting anybody. I'd like to understand more about it."

"I suppose that makes sense."

"I know you've always tried to keep these things from me." He smiled ruefully. "I thought, maybe, your family wouldn't mind helping to fill me in."

"Information seminars?" he asked drily. "I can imagine Emmett putting together a very exciting power point presentation."

I gave him a shove. "Nothing quite that official. Just let them know that I'd be very open to knowing more. About what, _exactly_, I can't say, because I don't know enough to know what's missing - if you see what I mean. I just want to go into my new life as prepared as possible."

Edward passed the message along, and the response from the Cullens was more than I'd hoped for. I began to visit the house more often, and whenever I did, I was provided with new insights into the life I was contemplating.

Emmett was content to provide anecdotes. They were mostly intended as humour, but they did indirectly reveal a great deal about vampire life.

Alice filled me in on practical, day to day matters, like convincingly pretending to eat food and avoiding direct sunlight. There were more details involved in passing for human than I had ever dreamed. Rosalie sometimes joined in on these discussions. We hadn't exactly become best friends, but she seemed to respect the way I'd stood up for myself. She was trying to be civil to me, and although the effort was all too apparent, I appreciated it.

Carlisle's contributions were the most formal. He explained what he knew about the physiology of the vampire, the nature and function of venom, the differences in strength and perception between vampire and human. He was a willing and patient teacher, and took even my most trivial questions seriously.

Esme described the actual change, the feeling of burning alive yet never dying. She assured me that I would be able to hear others talk to me, and take some comfort in their presence and the knowledge that it would eventually be over. She told me about her experience as a newborn, the intense thirst and the struggle to subdue it. Again, she promised the family would be with me to help me control myself, and to ensure I was kept safe - or rather, that others were kept safe from _me_.

When Edward went hunting on a rare cloudless Saturday, I stayed around the house with Charlie, doing the chores together and just hanging out. I knew I'd been spending a lot of my time with Edward and his family, and I didn't want him to feel neglected. Especially since I might, before long, be leaving him behind forever. The Cullens had been discussing the possibilities, and letting Charlie think I'd died was still considered the most promising. My resolve didn't waver, but I felt the weight of my decision more each day.

Sunday, I spent a quiet afternoon with Edward's family. While he and Alice were playing checkers, Carlisle took me through a partial history of the Volturi and his time among them. As the conversation came to an end, I caught Alice's eye. "You never did tell me what happened with Jasper's investigations."

She and Jasper exchanged a look, and Edward said resignedly, "They've been planning on telling you about it."

"About what?" Remembering my instruction on the nature of newborns, I braced myself for more horror.

Alice turned toward me. "You remember that I told you a vampire had been killed nearby?"

"I remember. You said he wasn't killed by another vampire." I leaned forward, intrigued.

"No, he wasn't. And first of all, you should know that it was Laurent."

"Laurent? You mean the same Laurent who...?"

"That's right. He did go up north to visit the Denalis, and stayed with them for some time. We got the story from Tanya. He told them he wanted to try living the way they did, but it looks like he was cheating a bit."

"Cheating? Oh!" I swallowed. "But what was he doing around here?"

Jasper answered me. "We suspect he was contacted by the other member of James' coven. Victoria."

"Victoria's been coming through the area periodically since James was killed," Alice explained. "She'd be driven off, disappear for a while, then turn up again."

"Driven off by who? By all of you?"

"No," Jasper said. "By...well, we'll get to that in a minute."

"Okay, then why does she keep coming back here?"

"The most likely explanation is, she's looking for revenge. We killed her mate. That's not something easily forgiven by our kind."

"She's coming after all of you?" I was appalled.

"There's no real danger to us," Emmett said. "Seven of us, one of her. It's just a pain trying to keep track of her. And, of course, there's the off chance that she's _really_ after..." He broke off suddenly, glancing at Edward, but no explanation was forthcoming. "Anyway, she's got to be extra careful around here, because she's being tracked by the same ones who killed Laurent."

"The same _what_?" I burst out. "_Who_ killed Laurent? Alice said it wasn't another vampire."

"No, it wasn't. You actually know already, Bella," Edward told me. "You recall the stories you were told while visiting LaPush? The ones that led you to certain conclusions about me?"

"The stories Jacob Black told me? Sure." I frowned, not seeing the connection.

"There was more to the story, if you recall. About the Quileutes themselves."

I thought back. "Well...he told me they met the Cold Ones many years ago." Edward waited. "That the Quileute were supposed to be descended from wolves. That they became spirit warriors in wolf form to fight the vampires." I shrugged. "I can't remember much else."

"You've got it," Jasper said. I looked at him, confused. "They take the shape of wolves, gigantic wolves with supernormal strength. What they call spirit warriors, with enough strength to destroy a vampire."

"You mean..." I searched their faces. "You're not saying those stories are _true_?"

They all laughed. "Bella, you already know they're true," Edward said. "Those stories are what confirmed your suspicions about us."

"Oh, that part, I know, but...super-powered phantom wolves?" They just sat there, grinning at me. "You're telling me the Quileutes all transform themselves into giant vampire-fighting canines whenever they want, then switch back again..."

"No," Jasper corrected. "Not all of them."

"Only a select few? How do they choose who gets to be super-wolf and who doesn't?"

He and Carlisle looked at each other. "That's one of the things we've been trying to discover," Carlisle said. "I'd theorized that the anomaly had died out many years ago, but they are appearing once again. We're not sure what the direct cause is."

"You're really serious?" It was finally sinking in.

"Completely," Carlisle said. "I was there, along with Edward, Esme, Rosalie and Emmett, when we first encountered the Quileute and made our treaty with them. A treaty which still stands."

"The treaty - that you stay off Quileute land, and they leave you alone and don't tell anyone about you. That's real, too?"

"It is. And the promise to leave us unharmed was an important one. They consider all vampires their enemy. The werewolves could quite possibly destroy us if they wished."

"Werewolves?"

"That's how we usually describe them."

I shuddered, and turned to Edward. His eyes were on Jasper, who seemed to be relaying something to him silently. Edward sighed, and nodded. Jasper turned to me. "Bella, we were hoping you might be of some help to us in this matter."

"Me?"

"Yes. You're acquainted with some of the Quileutes, are you not?"

"A few, yeah. Billy Black is a good friend of Charlie's; he's over there visiting all the time. I know Billy and his son Jacob, and Sue Clearwater's family." I looked around at them. "Why?"

"We might need an emissary," Carlisle explained. "Someone they trusted more than they trust us. We're hoping to persuade the Quileutes to work with us against Victoria, or at least inform us when they encountered her."

"Who would I talk to?"

"Billy Black. He's aware of our situation, and his son..." Carlisle glanced at Edward.

"His son - Jacob? What about him?"

Edward turned to me. "He's one of those select few."

I was stunned. "Jacob _Black_? Jacob is a werewolf?"

He nodded. "Jasper saw him transform, along with two others."

Things fell into place. "So that's what killed Laurent?"

"Yes."

A memory suddenly popped into my head. "Where and when was he killed?" I asked. Jasper told me the date, and the place - a state park. "I think I may have heard it happen."

That got their attention. "Heard it? How?" Edward asked.

"I was, um, bike riding on the trails near the eastern entrance to the park. I stopped for a minute, and heard this weird noise off in the distance, in the woods. It was a kind of roaring and growling, like a pack of huge animals, and then this strange metallic sound. It sounded just like when...when James..." I stopped, but they seemed to understand. "I turned around and left."

Edward shook his head almost angrily. "You attract danger like a magnet!"

I grinned at him. "So you want me to be a go-between?"

"We would appreciate your remaining open to it, if you don't mind. It could become very useful, if the Quileutes are reluctant to talk to us directly, or if we need someone to approach them on their own territory," Carlisle said.  
>"We would like to ask for details of Laurent's demise. Irina has been inquiring about it.<br>"We also hope to engage their assistance in dealing with Victoria.  
>"Finally, we need to discuss a matter which concerns you directly, Bella. We have to be sure that fulfilling your request will not be considered a breach of the treaty."<p>

"Will you agree to do it?" Jasper asked.

This was scary and weird, and kind of an imposition. And nothing could more clearly show that I was considered part of the family.

"Sure. Why not?"

Life was about to get a lot more peculiar.


End file.
